This weekend thieves broke into Kourtney Kardashian’s home and stole jewellery worth around $80,000.
But they didn’t take her dignity. True, the only reason for that is because, as a star of an E! reality show and the sister of a woman who everyone has seen getting unenthusiastically diddled from behind on the internet, Kourtney Kardashian shed every last ounce of her dignity long, long ago. But that’s not our point. Our point is that Kourtney Kardashian was burgled this weekend.
So keep your eyes on eBay. As soon as you see a bunch of ugly necklaces that you wouldn’t even wear as a joke, we’ll have found our prime suspect.
If we know our crimes, then burglary to order only tends to happen in the art world, when a billionaire collector pays someone to illegally help complete a priceless set of paintings. But it isn’t a crime exclusive to the art world. For instance, we’re starting to get the impression that a billionaire collector of jewellery belonging to the world’s most pointless, colossally minor celebrities is paying someone to complete his admittedly ridiculous set, too.
Look at the facts. Since last Christmas Paris Hilton has been burgled, and Audrina Partridge from The Hills has been burgled, and Orlando Bloom has been burgled and Lindsay Lohan has been burgled. And now Kourtney Kardashian has been burgled, too. Someone out there must have a real grudge against rubbish celebrities who don’t really serve any real purpose on the planet. What? Don’t look at us. It wasn’t us? Jesus. The New York Daily News reports:
Thieves broke into reality star Kourtney Kardashian’s home this weekend and stole tens of thousands of dollars worth of jewelry. Kardashian went to dinner with boyfriend Scott Disick about 7 p.m. Saturday. She returned about 8:30 p.m. to find her Calabasas townhouse ransacked. Among the items the pregnant starlet reported missing were her $30,000 Cartier watch, Disick’s Rolex and various pricey diamond pieces.
Although this is bound to be upsetting for Kourtney Kardashian, the news is bound to have greater repercussions for the celebrity world at large. You might see this spate of robberies and assume that a talented gang of thieves in the Los Angeles area is simply maximising on the busy social lives of young celebrities by raiding their homes for jewels whenever they’re not around, but that’s not what’s really going on here. No, what’s really going on is 2009.
Look at what 2009 has been doing to celebrities – it’s either been killing them or robbing them based on how much people like them. If the celebrity is generally well-loved by fans – like Michael Jackson or Stephen Gately or Farrah Fawcett – then 2009 has killed them. But if they’re a bit annoying and pointless – like Kourtney Karadshian or Lindsay Lohan or Orlando Bloom – then 2009 will just pinch a bunch of their stuff instead.
It’s a genuine worry, and if we were famous we’d be doing our utmost to ensure that we were as horrible and useless and stupid as we could possibly be, just to make sure that 2009 didn’t kill us in our tracks.
Although if we were Kerry Katona we’d probably invest in some sort of biometric safe as well. It’s more or less a foregone conclusion, really.
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