In startling news, it turns out that the most unwanted, rage-inducing group of people ever to waste perfectly good flesh, bone and blood are releasing an autobiography.
The Ku Klux what? No, we’re talking about Kim, Kourtney and Khloe Kardashian – what the hell do you think this site is? CivilRightsSpray? Get a hold of yourself. Anyway, race crime? That’s nothing compared to being related to someone only famous for having mucky videos of themselves splashed over the internet.
Given the exhaustive level of detail that the Kardashian lifestyle has been documented in, and, y’know, the crushing pointlessness of their entire existence, surely even combining all three of their life stories together wouldn’t produce enough meaningful content for a whole book. I mean, surely they’d have to rope in the mental guy down the road who sleeps out by the bins and tries to catch flies in his mouth or something. There’s pictures you say? Oh, that explains it!
In what will surely become a landmark of world literature on the scale of Proust or Neruda, the Kardashians are due to release what will undoubtedly be known as the A Brief History Of Time for idiots. Now magazine honks:
Kim Kardashian is working on an autobiography with sisters Kourtney and Khloe. Kardashian Konfidential will feature intimate pictures of the trio as well as their personal stories and advice.
Wait a minute – Intimate pictures? Advice? Given that anyone with a working internet connection and a strong desire to give themselves the mental equivalent of jabbing themselves repeatedly in the eye with a darning needle can see the only borderline famous Kardashian debasing herself with a man who looks like he is in the middle of having a psychotic episode, the promise of ‘intimate pictures’ suddenly seems fairly redundant.
Unless, of course, the other two Kardashians take this opportunity to usurp their sister and pose astride a variety of farm animals whilst fellating each other with increasingly sharp and salty objects.
That horrific image aside, I for one am genuinely looking forward to being on the receiving end of their witless ‘advice’. What pearls of wisdom are they going to share with us? A strategy for solving the BP oil disaster? A solution to the Yang–Mills existence and mass gap? A way of resolving England’s World Cup woes? How best to be sexually aggressive to a child who is barely out of the womb? How to pick up a cat? The anticipation is intense. And by intense I mean ‘so fleeting, I’m not even sure it qualifies as an emotion’.
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