If you need someone to play the part of a Vulcan with a very up and down fat count – then Kirstie Alley is the actress for you.

Which is convenient actually, because we're currently working on our fourth Star Trek script. Not to give away the whole plot, but it involves Spock's new girlfriend exploding off the Enterprise and landing in a fully-stocked Dorito factory that's so isolated its only residents are an inbred pack of wolves (enter antagonists). The factory does share a parking lot with an abandoned treadmill manufacturer, though. That's why the character's weight fluctuates so. We are willing to sell this entire outline for under $20.

But be warned – if you buy it you may not be able to cast Alley right off. No – you'll have to get behind Oprah for that one. They just signed a deal for something something blah blah blah.

Not to worry though. Our cousin says he knows a guy who manages Subway's Jared. Our connections come with the script.

Under $20.

When Kirstie Alley isn't forcing Sam Malone to make a baby with her, and then forcing John Travolta to raise it and then forcing that baby to plump-up so she can then reduce said baby's plumpery with her personal weight loss system, she's got a lot of time on her hands.

Nay! Nay we say! Perhaps it would be more appropriate to say she had a lot of time on her hands. Not anymore – ever since the time she showed Oprah Winfrey where her fat used to be, the talk show host has wanted to work with Alley bad. Now the fruits of those neighboring-desk desires are fruiting to fruition.

To further the fascinating details of this story, may we present to you, E! Online:

"[Alley], no stranger to emotionally and physically baring all on Winfrey's stage in the past, has signed a TV development deal with the talk-show queen's Harpo Productions. While no specific shows have yet been announced as a result of the deal, it's possible an Alley-led daily talk show could result from the partnership, particularly in the wake of the actress' recent string of successful appearances on Winfrey's chatfest."

The exact format for the show still needs to be worked out, but we think it should lean heavily towards reality TV. We don't need another talk show – no we've got better plans for Alley. We'd like to see her follow Shelley Long all over the place and just keep replacing her. Shelley Long was doing some dishes, now Kirstie Alley is doing some dishes. Shelley Long is kissing her grandkids goodnight, now Kirstie Alley is kissing Shelley Long's grandkids tonight. Shelley Long is taking out a restraining order, now Kirstie Alley is taking out Shelley Long's restraining order.

That, or maybe Alley could just do a one woman rendition of The Color Purple every single day. Episodes 2 and up would be soooooo easy to edit.

Read More:

Kirstie Alley's Oprah TV Deal – Monsters & Critics