There was always a thumping inevitability about Kirsten Dunst and Johnny Borrell getting together, thanks to Johnny Borrell's greedy quest for fame and the weird way that Kirsten Dunst equates 'credibility' with 'getting off with a dirty man in a leotard'.
But it's too late to talk either of them out of it, because Kirsten Dunst from Spider-Man and Johnny Borrell from Razorlight are a couple. A couple of arseholes, we know, but also a romantic couple. And it's serious, too – although they've only known each other for a couple of weeks, Kirsten Dunst has reportedly moved into Johnny Borrell's London home. Let's all just hunker down and pray, for the sake of humanity, that either Kirsten Dunst or Johnny Borrell is sterile because – by christ – that's going to be a baby with some effed-up teeth.
OK people, time to don your protective clothing – you know, the same horrific celebrity couple protective clothing you put on when it was announced that Sharon Stone and Christian Slater were an item. Kirsten Dunst and Johnny Borrell have got together and it's far, far worse than anything involving Christian Slater could ever hope to be, with the possible exception of that toilet gel advert he did once. There's a couple of reasons behind us saying this – 1) Kirsten Dunst and Johnny Borrell are still young enough to conceive children and 2) Imagine Kirsten Dunst and Johnny Borrell having sex. Actually try to imagine it. That's not a pretty sight, now, is it?
Although Kirsten Dunst, whose greatest moments include cluelessly blurting out the Spider-Man 3 baddies before she was supposed to – and still getting them wrong – and cluelessly trying to stop the Iraq war; and Johnny Borrell, whose greatest moments include titting about with his top off like a pointless wanker all the bastard time, still claim that they're only friends, MTV reports that a Dunst/Borrell love-nest is being created as we speak:
We told you last week how the pair had been spotted looking cosy at the SXSW fest in Texas and now it seems Kirsten couldn't bear to be apart from her shaggy-haired friend so has jetted over to London to be with him. The pair, whose reps say are just friends, were spotted together again at Sunday night's Voice Of Slavery in London… where Razorlight headlined. They were then spotted partying at a London boozer. Our insider told us: "They definitely look like a couple. They were together all night. After the gig they went drinking in the Hawley Arms in Camden and looked very cosy. She is staying at his place at the moment and who knows when she'll head back to the States."
Let's hope that Kirsten Dunst didn't get together with Johnny Borrell during one of her famous alcoholic binges, because a normal hangover is bad enough without realising that you let the knob from Razorlight genitally intrude you too. But maybe we're being too hard on Kirsten Dunst and Johnny Borrell – after all, who's to say that their love isn't pure and all-encompassing?
Perhaps this union will even result in a marriage. We sort of hope it won't, partly because the last thing we need is a supermarket own-brand Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow running around ghostbusting their houses and naming their children after B-list biblical figures – and partly for Kirsten's sake. Let's face it, it's tricky for a wife to decide whether to keep her own name or take the name of her husband at the best of times – so just imagine how tricky it must be when both surnames sound equally like 1960s Batman fight captions.
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David Hasslehoff says
Noooooooooooooo
I now hate Razorlight….
Is there no justice in this world.
MRS JB says
i am dating johnny borrell not that man eater emma watson or kirsten dunst etc.. ITS ME! he is my fiance in fact and we are in love.