King Kong Tops US Weekend Box Office All Half-Assed

King Kong is a film that you can’t be anything less than hyperbolic about. King Kong might be the most expensive movie ever made. King Kong seems like the longest movie ever made. And, even though it’s topped the US weekend box office, King Kong is being seen as a bit of a failure.

Good things were said about King Kong - it was even mentioned that King Kong could possibly end up being the top-grossing film of all time. But, despite being the only film around that shows Billy Elliot shooting giant insects off the thick one from The Village, King Kong has had a slightly disappointing opening weekend at the box office - better than the first Lord Of The Rings film, but worse than 2 Fast 2 Furious.

Considering all the hype that King Kong has been getting, it really
needed to take about $496 million billion gazillion at the box office
on it’s opening weekend to justify all the babbling lunacy that it has
received from critics. But it didn’t - so we may as well sit back and
wait for the Peter Jackson trademark 19 DVD King Kong box-set featuring
four-and-a-half months of extended footage of a big monkey twatting around. Here’s the
full US weekend box office chart…

1 - King Kong (So it didn’t do that well at the box office. But King
Kong is actually really bloody good, especially the bit where Naomi
Watts juggles and King Kong looks a bit nonplussed. Even King Kong
hates jugglers!) $50,148,000

2 - The Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe
(If the Narnia movie is the Bible and Aslan is Jesus, does that make
Edmund the Jews or Judas? And what about the Dawn French/Ray Winstone
beavers? We need answers, dammit! Answers!) $31,184,000

3 - The Family Stone (Sarah Jessica Parker must be sick of all the
"so, how is your character in The Family Stone different to your
character in Sex And The City?" questions she’s been getting asked
while promoting this. Funny that nobody asks her how her character in
The Family Stone is different to that woman with the body of a dog she
played in Mars Attacks!) $12,725,000

4 - Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire (So it turns out that Lord
Voldemort has no nose. How does he smell? Terrible. We crack ourselves
sometimes, we really do) $5,095,000

5 - Syriana (To help promote Syriana, George Clooney fell off a
chair and bruised his brain so severely that he contemplated suicide,
and Matt Damon got a lady and married her. That’s how you do
things, King Kong!) $5,465,000

6 - Walk The Line (Proving that nothing’s more enduring than
heartwarming films about drug addicts singing cowboy songs…)
$3,625,000

7 - Yours, Mine And Ours (…Except maybe for identikit family movie remakes of rubbishy old identikit family movies) $3,415,000

8 - Brokeback Mountain (Finally - a mature, sensitive Hollywood
movie about the trials of homosexuality in an uncaring society.
Featuring the most sympathetic gay character since Franck Eggelhoffer
from Father Of The Bride and the most compassionate narrative since All Cock Gang Bang) $2,359,000

9 - Just Friends (An alternate title for this movie could have been Why Fat People Are Shit And All Women Are Whores) $1,950,000

10 - Aeon Flux (Is there a porn movie out yet called Aeon Fucks? If there isn’t, there should be.) $1,675,000

Weekend Box Office: Dec 16-18 - Box Office Mojo

[story by Stuart Heritage]