If you ever wanted to open up the kitchen drawer, take out a bread knife and attempt self harming due to bone-crushing news, this is the time. Professional nobody with a sex tape Kim Kardashian has been given a dubious honour, meaning that out of the planet’s six billion plus people, her booty is the peachiest of them all.
The main question is how such a person can proudly chalk this accolade on their CV, ensuring future employers will fall on the floor with spluttered gasps of amazement.
Who cares about a Nobel Peace Prize when you can be told that you have a bang tidy botty? Perhaps Kim Kardashian will get the chance to imprint her buttocks in to a poor person?s version of the Hollywood walk of fame? Like a pissy old park bench.
What really has to be asked is who gets to sit on the judging panel, painstakingly flicking through multiple pictures of arse after arse?
Basically, when the member of the committee converse, they?ll be having more bum fun than individuals who go to lemon parties. As far as we can remember, there aren't many specialists who deal with the rump region of humans. Granted, specialist doctors ensure that ladies front bottoms act like a well lubricated engine, but that's beside the point.
No doubt it was created from a man?s perspective with big ACME locks bolted on to the door to keep out baying feminists from complaining that these lists depict females as nothing but pieces of sexual meat. No doubt criteria such as ?looks good in a bikini?, ?spills out her jean shorts? and ?has no fear of stripping? were just some of the boxes that needed to be ticked.
This will probably be the only time we say this without sounding like strange dicks, but we have the definitive countdown of top arses as voted by some unknown mystical force, but powerful enough to make some sort of mark on the internet.
The Metro newspaper reports:
?Kim beat off stiff competition from other bootylicious beauties including Jennifer Lopez, who came second in the survey, and singer/actress Beyonce Knowles. Jessica Biel, of The A-Team fame, took the fourth spot with her ‘perfectly plump and toned’ derriere, while Lady Gaga rounded off the top five.?
Lady Gaga eh? Placing her at number five can be justified. However, based on her strange costumes, it might not have been rounded pounds of flesh that a pair of eyes locked on to. Oh no, it could have been some elaborate stage prop that was hand carved in Japan, costing more money then you\’ll ever see in a lifetime.
Anyway, Kim Kardashian must be extremely proud of herself. Already coined a ?total tit? by most people, she now has another award to proudly use a door stop.
(Our money was on Rihanna, if you were wondering)
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Ruby A says
Definitely the apex of her career, outside of being peed on.
You know, I need more empowering female role models like this in my life. Oprah and the like just don’t cut the mustard, now that Kim Kardashian officially has the greatest arse ever.
*quits writing career*
*uses extra time to do 10,000 squats a day*
*plots to steal oxygen from those more deserving*