That's it global warming, we've had enough. We tried the softly-softly approach, attempting to get rid of you with sing-songs and almost-presidents, but you didn't listen – that's why we're going to send Jack Bauer in to finish the job.
Kiefer Sutherland, who plays Jack Bauer in the once good, now inexplicably bad real-time day-long torture tutorial 24 has decided that he's bored with stopping nuclear explosions every other series and has decided to focus his attention instead on global warming. As well as using unprecedented methods of making the next season of 24 more environmentally friendly than ever, Kiefer Sutherland has also demanded that global warming is introduced into the storyline for the next season. That'll stop criticism that 24 is past its best – 24 hours of Kiefer Sutherland electrocuting an ice cap with a rudimentary device made from a lamp's power cord until it breaks and agrees to freeze up again.
Kiefer Sutherland is a strange and complex man. One the one hand there's the hard-partying badass Kiefer Sutherland – the man who flings himself into Christmas trees and uses Jack Bauer action figures like weird self-harming voodoo dolls, then there's action hero Kiefer Sutherland – the man who enthralled audiences through five series of 24 and then sort of annoyed audiences through the sixth season of 24 and a possible 24 movie by indiscriminately torturing anyone who won't answer his questions a nanosecond after he asked them in the most painful ways possible. And then there's the third Kiefer Sutherland, the Kiefer who cares about issues and stuff.
You may have thought that Kiefer Sutherland had already picked his side in the great Climate Change Vs Dead Princess London charity concert smackdown of July 2007 since he appeared at the Diana Concert and not Live Earth, but now it seems as if Kiefer Sutherland cares more about global warming than posh car crash women. That's because, in his role as dark 24 overlord, Kiefer Sutherland has decided to address global warming squarely in the face. And then chop its arm off, or however the hell Jack Bauer tortures people these days. Look, whatever Kiefer does for global warming is bound to be better than that awful song Madonna wrote, OK? The Independent reports:
The producers will swap diesel generators at the studio for electric power and buy the electricity from renewable sources, and put the crew in hybrid vehicles or convert the giant production trucks to biodiesel. "Global warming is a crime for which we are all guilty, from our cars, our homes and our workplaces," said Kiefer Sutherland, who plays Jack Bauer. "All of us at 24 understand the urgency of this problem and, over the next year, we will be implementing creative new ways to produce our show and significantly reduce our carbon footprint."
But biodiesel trucks aren't the only ways that 24 plans to combat global warming – as well as honestly featuring a global warming storyline in season seven of 24, where we expect that Jack Bauer will battle a couple of fundamentalist Arabs hell-bent on sitting on top of a glacier with some hairdryers, laughing maniacally and cursing the west, Kiefer Sutherland is also taking global warming so seriously that he's making a number of public service announcements where he'll "highlight simple measures that people can take to reduce their own contributions to global warming."
Needless to say, these are thought to include a) only showing your enemies a video of their children being murdered if the videotape is fair trade, b) reducing the temperature of the water bucket that you put people's feet in before you start electrocuting them by ten degrees and c) letting your idiot daughter get eaten by mountain lions next time she gets caught in a trap rather than keeping her alive to pump another four seasons of endless whiny complaining carbon out of her mouth.
Read more:
Jack Bauer, The Hero Of '24', Takes On Global Warming – Independent
JoelB says
Let me be the first* to say that Global Warming is passe’.
*I’m not the first remember “ozone depletion” etc in the 90’s?
(Yes I know floods in GBritian, but in the middle of our winter down here in Tasmania it’s f*#kn’ great!)