But that’s not all. Just look at their achievements. Sure, they’re both going out with professional athletes, and they both star in a reality TV show so overwhelmingly pointless that it may as well be a documentary about the polystyrene manufacturing industry. And they’ve both got eyebrows that could be used to thatch entire villages. But Kim Kardashian has also got a sex tape. How could Khloe Kardashian possibly compete with that?
By making her own sex tape? Yes. Oh, and also this – ugh.
If you’re a regular viewer of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, you’ll know what we’re talking about here. Actually, no you probably won’t. Because if you’re a regular viewer of Keeping Up With The Kardashians, your brain has probably devolved into a fizzy puddle of goo and you’ll only see this page as just a random series of abstract symbols that’ll distract you for a couple of moments before you stagger off to scratch your armpit or try to hump a bus stop or something.
So let’s assume that you’re not a regular viewer of Keeping Up With The Kardashians. You may have a vague understanding of who Khloe and Kourtney Kardashian are – Khloe Kardashian is the woman who got married to a man she didn’t know and Kourtney Kardashian is the woman who got pregnant by a man she didn’t like – but you’ll definitely know who Kim Kardashian is. That’s because Kim Kardashian is the one with the sex tape.
And because of that – because she’s primarily known for letting a man with a tongue like a giant tapeworm hump her from behind while he films her and pulls the 12 oddest faces you will ever see in a sex tape – Kim Kardashian is queen of the Kardashians. The only way that Kourtney or Khloe Kardashian will be able to stage a coup on Kim’s supremacy is to make a sex tape of their own. And so, with the sort of thumping inevitability that’ll make your insides wilt, Khloe Kardashian is going to make her own sex tape. MSNBC – yes, that MSNBC – reports:
In a clip for this Sunday’s episode of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians,” Khloe is caught on camera talking about making a tape, with the help of a pal. “Like a solo sex tape, like masturbation,” Khloe tells her pal in the clip. “I am not going to video tape you, masturbating,” her pal responds The Kardashian sister persists, showing her friend how it could be done with her eyes covered.
We don’t know about you, but we’re so disappointed that it’s come to this. Really, Khloe Kardashian? The only way you think you can compete with your sister is to debase yourself by diddling yourself on camera for the mucky benefit of a few thousand sweaty-palmed teenagers? Why a sex tape? Why don’t you try to copy something else that Kim Kardashian is famous for, like… um…
Or, hang on… wait…
No, alright, fair play. We’ll go and get the baby oil.