Different stars promote their films in different ways. Jennifer Aniston hooks up with co-stars, Tom Cruise goes weird.
And then there’s Kevin Smith. Whenever Kevin Smith has a film out, he likes to draw attention to it by reminding the world how dangerously overweight he is. Just before Zack And Miri Make A Porno was released, Kevin Smith sat on a toilet and shattered it under his vast mass. And now that Cop Out is about to be released, Kevin Smith has been thrown off a plane by an airline because his gigantic belly contravened its safety regulations.
Seriously, we can’t wait for Kevin Smith’s next film to come out. We hear he’s going to promote it by suffocating an entire African village to death with his armpits, belly button and colossal buttocks. So that’s something to look forward to.
That’s decided, then. Kevin Smith is the new Orson Welles. That’s not because he’s a cinematic visionary, you understand, or because he’s responsible for the greatest film ever made. Or because he’s a celebrated raconteur. Or even because he’s got a beard. It’s because Kevin Smith is now primarily known for gaining so much weight that, conservatively, he’s probably only got another five or six months before his head and limbs get swallowed up by his enormous torso and he becomes the world’s first perfectly spherical movie director.
You may remember that in 2008 Kevin Smith managed to break a toilet just by sitting on it. Well, now he’s gone one better. Kevin Smith has literally been thrown off a flight because he’s too fat. Whether this is because he’d impede an evacuation in case of an emergency, or because his giant gut and arse would single-handedly undo decades of aeronautical engineering, is unknown.
What is known, however, is this. On Saturday Kevin Smith wanted to fly from Oakland to Burbank. In accordance with Southwest Airlines’ ‘customers of size’ policy, Smith bought two tickets. But he ended up getting an earlier flight, which meant cramming himself into a single seat. That’s when he was asked to leave the plane, and that’s when he began to tweet furiously about it. Some of Kevin Smith’s choicer online outbursts include:
So, @SouthwestAir, go fuck yourself. I broke no regulation, offered no “safety risk” (what, was I gonna roll on a fellow passenger?).
Dear @SouthwestAir, I’m on another one of your planes, safely seated & buckled-in again, waiting to be dragged off in front of the normies.
Last night, the wife ALSO kicked me off for being too wide. And she wasn’t talking about the size of my @SouthwestAir (nee my stupid dick).
Southest Airlines has responded by all of this by putting Kevin Smith on another flight, repeatedly apologising on its Twitter account and website, personally contacting him and offering him a $100 voucher. So will that be the end of all this?
Hardly. Kevin Smith is doing all he can to turn this into a movement. Because Southwestern Airlines didn’t just embarrass him, you see – it embarrassed every sweaty, armrest-hogging, mouth-breathing, elasticated waist-wearing tubster who’s ever been thrown off a flight for being horrendously overweight. And it might just make the world’s obese wake up and decide that they no longer want to be treated as second-class citizens. Soon they’ll rise up against all this petty prejudice and bureaucracy and march on government to make their voices heard.
Well, alright, maybe ‘march’ is a bit of a stretch. But they’ll definitely drive their reinforced mobility scooters in the vague direction of government, provided there are enough Burger Kings and Subway outlets to stop at along the way. That’s more or less the same thing, right?
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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
Hooray for Southwest!! I am tired of paying for a whole seat and having to share part of it with a space challenged passenger! I only wish the last two times I flew Southwest they had required these passengers to reserve enough room for the body they were clearly aware they possessed, and not forced me to surrender a part of my seat. This is good news for those of us who understand only two small carry-on rules on airplanes, and maximum 15 item lanes at the market. THANK YOU SOUTHWEST!!!
This fat fu@K doesn’t have the energy to get on a tredmill but has an unlimited amount to complain about being a fat ass. Too bad that doesn’t burn any calories.
AIRLINE WAS RIGHT. I WOULD NOT LIKE TO SEAT NEXT TO THIS MOUNTAIN OF FAT.
FOR MOVIE PRODUCER SMITH IS INCREDIBLY INSENSITIVE TO THE PEOPLE AROUND HIM
CHANCES ARE THERE ARE NO OTHER AIRLINES FLYING THIS ROUTE AND SMITH WILL NEED TO DRIVE IN THE COMFORT OF HIS OWN CAR
Wow, I’m surprised at your viewpoint on this. The man purchased 2 tickets as required. The person at the ticket counter got him on another flight that had only 1 seat remaining. He was then thrown off that flight….so how is he at fault? Because he’s fat? Big freaking deal. If he was violating SouthWest’s safety policy, then the person at the ticket counter shouldn’t have let him change flights and the person taking tickets at the gate shouldn’t have let him board the plane. And his rants don’t seem to include any promotional crap for his movie, so I guess you’re wrong about that, too.
You sir, are awesome.
Fat people should be locked up until they’ve reached normal weight. They drive up the costs of our health car, and forced manufacturers into building SUVs and crossovers because some can’t haul their lard butts six inches to climb out of a normal auto. They’ve all but killed the family restaurant in favor of fatty fast food. They’ve caused airlines to widen the seat to such a degree that less people can fly, driving up the cost of an individual flight.
Other nations laugh at us. Give the finger to the next fat person you see.
Wow, how embarrasing is that. Maybe it’ll motivate him to loose weight, the SW Diet. All SW offered was a $100 voucher, man…I don’t think that would cover him purchasing 2 seats next time.
Anyone who has flown and experienced the distress caused by obese passengers to other passengers who are already uncomfortable in their seats will find no sympathy for this spoiled millionaire’s grievances.
Guess what, Kevin Smith? You’re obese. Morbidly obese. So much so that your hypocrisy is also detailed online as you boasted on Twitter that you recently broke a toilet seat because of your obscene poundage.
Add to that your whining because you couldn’t wait for the flight where you purchased two tickets to hold your girth and tried to squeeze yourself into one seat on an earlier one and you come across as a pathet!c celebrity who can’t even deal with such an embarrassing incident on his own and has to tell the world via Twitter.
There are real problems in the world. Even real consumer problems that are far more pressing than a disgustingly indulged and obese mini-celebrity who can’t own up to his own excesses.
What a fool.
I wouldn’t want him on any flight I was on. I would be afraid that the plane wouldn’t be able to get off the ground. Or that once it did, that it would fly all crooked and possibly crash. Plus, we are all locked up in that confined space, and his sweaty, smelly fat ass would stink up the place something awful. Plus he would probably eat all of the snacks, and possible the stewardess’ too, if that weren’t enough. Then, when he ran out of snacks and flight attendants, he would probably start eating the plane itself. Once he ate through the wall of the plane, the loss of cabin pressure would suck his huge ass into it. Finally, for once in his fat assed life, his fat ass would actually come in handy by plugging up that very hole that he made. But overall, it would be a frightening experience for all of us normal passengers.
Maybe they should create an airline with size XXXL planes for fat people like him. That would be a huge (no pun intended) relief for us ‘normies’. And really, don’t you think all of the fatty’s would be much happier if they had their own plane? I know I would.
This is a great example of your gossip for grownups tagline being contradicted by the content of the site.
No sooner than when I clicked this article, LX New York started talking about it lol. Poor Kevin. He’s not that fat!!
In saying “he’s not that fat” I would like to clarify that he is not the fattest person I have ever seen.
Wow this article is ridiculous and retarded. Gossip for grownups…maybe someone needs to grow up. The guy is overweight so you have the right to talk trash? He’s done a lot more successfully than this crappy blog ever will.
‘who cares’ seems to have answered their own question by the amount of fuss that they’re making over a humourous article on a comedy website.
I bet you a pound to a penny that ‘who cares’ resembles a sofa with a face in the middle.
lol, sofa with a face…too funny