“It’s the bi-polar medication, honestly!” If you could actually pick out those words from the slurred speech of Kerry Katona, that’s what she’d be saying.

We may mock her but she has an award none of us have. The most sought after Mother Of The Year title has been given to Kerry not once but twice. But how do you win this award to glisten up your CV? It seems that you need to a) be female, b) sell frozen seafood like your life depends on it, c) get MTV to document your non-exciting life and d) take barrel loads of cocaine!

Footage has surfaced of Kerry allegedly partaking in option d). We sadly know part a) is true.

In case you think we’re just one of the ‘haters’ who are just picking on Kerry because we want to, please look at this video. Courtesy of the News of the World it kind of shows Kerry vacuuming a line of what appears to be coke up her nose.

OK, let’s now tell you why it looks like she was taking cocaine, as no doubt we’ll have deluded commenters who can’t spell Kerry Katona’s name fighting her corner:

1 – She wasn’t preparing food for her children. While some animals chew their young’s food up for them, we doubt Kerry will spray her young a meal directly through her nose and into their waiting mouths.

2 – Kerry has a history of taking cocaine. Amazingly, she has previously admitted that feasting on drugs was something she used to do. We like to try and fire rockets out of our arse. Is it big and clever? Not really, but it’s a more amusing habit than snorting cocaine.

3 – After filling her tits full of playdough and Lego in an attempt to become more attractive, she epically failed. She gorged on enough chips to fill Africa and back came the weight. Alongside her bellend of a husband running circles around her, we assume going back to drugs was some sort of escapism. If the coke had been the fizzy kind, all we’d have just ended up with was a toothless hag throwing cats at us.

Of course, an anonymous source has all of the filthy details:

“You can see how mad Kerry is on the video. She was ranting incoherently and had already done a line of coke. She was saying she couldn’t forgive Mark and how she’d got revenge by sending him a text the night before declaring ‘One all’ – claiming that she’d cheated on him too.”

Where is Max Clifford when you need him? The PR guru once represented Kerry and the rabble that followed her. But now the two have gone their separate ways and she could really need him now. Max Clifford has the physical ability to turn any situation in to a positive one. He’d come up with a winning response such as:

“She’s consuming a new Japanese sweet. Kerry is the new face of the Whizz and is simply trying out the new strawberry flavour.”

“Because Kerry got her boobs inflated, she is topping them up in an experimental way. She has a fear of needles and doesn’t want the surgeon to pump up her sagging left tit with a bike pump.”

“We are now suing MTV. They wanted to film her in the buff for a spin off show called Kerry Katona: Saving The Buff For Last. The camera was not meant to capture the cocaine snorting.”

Or for once in his sodding life, he could just be honest and say what we all assume – that she’s a loud porky cokehead.

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