In ancient Greek mythology, there were hoards of beasts and monsters that would literally peck out your eyes and suck on them.

Sadly we don’t have creatures that are half rhino and human. The modern day equivalent is a thing called Kerry Katona.

Since Kerry shot to mild fame in wobbly pop band Atomic Kitten she’s done all she can to remain in the public eye. Whilst she’s all for doing this, the rest of the nation weeps a little whenever it opens a newspaper and sees her shove another handful of chips into her gob. In a move that was foreseen months ago, Kerry and her husband Mark Croft have split up. Again. Again.

Ever since winning the jungle show where some unfamous people try to become famous again, the nation fell in love with Kerry Katona. How we laughed at the poisonous tarantulas scurrying down her bra. And who can’t say they didn’t chuckle when she had to eat kangaroo balls?

But from 2004 till round about now, there hasn’t really been that much going on with Kerry. She got hitched to a taxi driver called Mark Croft who isn’t famous, has bugger all money behind him and has allegedly taken lots of money from her. Whilst everyone can see this happening, Kerry seems to be living in cuckoo land.

However, her brains have slowly thawed out and she has decided that being with Mark Croft isn’t doing her any good. We’d have personally gotten the hint at bankruptcy, but that’s just us. An apparent good friend of Kerry’s told The Daily Mirror:

“To all of us it seems Mark has been take, take, take ever since they met. But Kerry knows what she has to do now. She has cancelled any access he has to her bank accounts and stopped all payments for his pride and joy – the cars. He’ll be broke in a couple of months, or at least that’s what everyone hopes.”

Go Kerry! That’ll each your scrounging ex of a husband to try and grab a few pennies from you. Perhaps Kerry could go on to This Morning and tell the world about how happy she is now. Using the trademark Kerry Katona unbroadcastable language, she can say something like “Ughseaokfjjbnzkosdjfxiobfiofnhiovmklfg,” translating as “I don’t love him anymore.” Honestly, it’s like she can speak caveman or something.

We don’t know what’s on the cards for Kerry Katona and her ever-spiralling path into destruction, debt and heartbreak. Perhaps she could hook up with overly soft singer Peter Andre. He’s nearly single and knows what it’s like to be mucked around by a giant pair of tits. It’s a match made in heaven.

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