There are millions of disgusting things that make us want to vomit into our bowler hats.

For example, scraping dog poo off a shoe after accidentally stepping in a big steaming pile usually makes lunch’s burrito want to reappear.

Other unpleasant spectacles that we’d rather forget involve watching Kerry Katona giving birth on MTV, Kerry Katona getting her boobs inflated to a bigger size on MTV and hearing Kerry Katona in general on MTV. Now there’s a distinct chance there’s some non-arousing Kerry Katona porn doing the rounds. Probably not on MTV.

Sometimes we think Kerry Katona is a gift from the comedy gods who foretold the car crash lifestyle of a northern pop star. Seriously, each time we get word of a crazy Kerry Katona antic, we have to check and make sure it’s not April fool’s day all over again.

Think about it, would you constantly deny that you aren’t dependent on bottles of cheap cider to get you through the day, only to then tell the world that it’s actually true? Oh Kerry, you and your crazy antics, you really do make us chuckle and gush milk out of our noses.

Then there was the incident on This Morning. Turning up to interviews looking inebriated will not do your public profile much good. Though this didn’t seem to bother our Kerry much as the interview went something along these lines:

Fern Britton: “So Kerry, what is your millionth show on MTV about this time?”

Kerry Katona: “Baffffffffffertojjjjjjhhkklsszdnjrsykjsptgggggsgh jdrnhoinkesokpdjgdophjsgfgopfgop.”

For five or so painless minutes, this is what millions of tea-slurping, custard cream-munching members of the public had to endure. Well, we say endure, but actually we all laughed our tits off at someone who later had a go at the programme for letting her appear pissed. Sorry, we mean ‘wonky on medication’.

More recently, the entire world has had to panic over a possible Kerry Katona solo career relaunch. Despite only bleating a few songs with Atomic Kitten, she still holds on to that loose tag known as singer. However, this has been sidetracked slightly due to her marriage taking a massive blow. Due with her partner Mark Croft walking out on her and then making up a few days later this hasn’t helped on top of massive financial problems.

So what could make the situation better? A lottery win? A holiday away from it all? No! What about knowing that your own filthy sex acts have apparently been plastered across the internet for a lonely male to get overexcited over? Now Magazine reports:

“To Kerry’s horror, one such sex tape is now on the internet. Kerry, 28, is seen on film while a Northern-accented male voice is directing her to bare all. Kerry still has her public image to think of. If the sex tapes come out then she may lose her Iceland deal, which is the one thing that keeps her going.”

Unless this tape features her doing rude things with a frozen fish finger and a frozen turnip, we assume that Iceland won’t be overly happy with her crazy antics. Mums don’t go to Iceland to get their kicks! They go for guilt-free food shopping.

Still, if it does go tits up for Kerry, she can always make regular appearances in Readers Wives and other grot magazines.

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