Kerry Katona: Officially Poorer Than You!

Big questions have been asked by us humans - over thousands of years, we’ve all wondered “where do we come from?” “what is the meaning of life?” and “where is the bloody remote control?”

Another mind bending puzzle is the one set by Iceland – not the country, but the supermarket. They ask us “why do mums go to Iceland?” Let us tell you now Mr Iceland: it’s not to see your bloody spokesperson Kerry Katona.

Famous for winning a show made up of people who aren’t that famous, Kerry has clung on to that little bit of former glory and pumped out every bit of success juice. From said supermarket deals to shambolic TV shows, she’s still snapping at the heels of publicity.

Always known for bad news and never anything positive, she’s back again to inform us that she has crashed and burned. Kerry has no money left to spend on curries, drugs or prawn rings after being declared bankrupt.

Remember, this is the woman who once said she’d never get her downstairs lady area out, then she had a sudden change of heart and decided to let MTV film the birth of her fourth child. We know that some couples automatically see this as a money spinning opportunity such as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

Some people like Matt Damon and Matt Damon’s wife, however, don’t do it straight away.

So spare a thought for poor Max Croft, the latest spawn from the evil empire of Kerry Katona’s womb. A vomit stained midwife wasn’t waiting to welcome him into the world - oh no, once he was squeezed out he was faced with some cameraman zooming in on him having his first dump.

Moments like these should be cherished within the family, not broadcast to the nation and subsequently put on Youtube. At least other famous couples allow their offspring a chance to gulp some air before being used as a cash cow.

For ages now, Kerry has faced stories of alleged drug-taking during pregnancy, stories of her being a prostitute and then not being a street servant after the lawyers got involved. Even her own mother was accused off whoring her out so she could write gritty details of her life for a book that never existed.

Whatever the case, one story that has never gone away has been Kerry Katona’s never ending lack of money. Despite being paid for her MTV show, a follow up show, deals to promote frozen turnips, magazine spreads and legal payouts for damages she is still a few pennies short.

Not that we’re money experts or anything, but purchasing extravagant cars and other luxury items probably wouldn’t help. After a year of asking for money, Katona failed to pay the final £82,000 of a £417,000 tax bill which was issued against her in January.

We’re unsure if she’ll be dragged kicking and screaming from her house as the bailiffs come and take everything - apart from a few chewed pens she has tried to extract the ink from for food. But according to the BBC’s handy guide on bankruptcy, it looks like the family may have to raid Iceland for used cardboard boxes for shelter. The Beeb describe bankruptcy in a nutshell as:

“The traditional way of escaping overwhelming debt. Ends after one year, but you are likely to lose all your assets including your house to pay something to the creditors.”

However, we can guarantee she’ll issue a statement denying the whole debt thing and that everything is totally fine with her finances. And to celebrate false media claims, the couple will celebrate by taking their kids to the moon in a magic Porsche convertible which they just bought at Argos.