Whenever we’re feeling down, there is only one place to turn.
Tabloid problem pages. After a quick read, that frown is turned into a burst of giggles. “I like to dress as Dennis the Menace during sex – is this normal?” writes a loser from Swansea. No you tit, it’s not.
Recently, the celebrity equivalent to this is Kerry Katona. She’s only gone and done some drugs, lost her Iceland deal and allegedly beat up her accountant. Then we have wonder woman Jordan who’s gone through an ever so public divorce and shacked up with a new fellow. He just happens to make bongo flicks with girls from Babestation. Therefore, Jordan is perfectly equipped to guide Kerry through these troubled times.
Every time there’s something to do with Peter Andre, a new type of alcohol or the grand opening of an ice-cream van, Jordan is certain to be there. When glitzy public occasions shine upon her, you know another thing will happen. Most females will don skyscraper-length heels to totter above rivals and wear dresses that even prostitutes would baulk at. With Jordan, it’s different.
Not that we’ve ever noticed due to our gentlemanly good ways, but friends of ours have commented that Jordan had incredibly huge knockers. So big in fact that you could lose the TV remote down there. Whenever she needs attention, her boobs seem to get bigger. Just like a gentlemen’s pork soldier when he sees an attractive damsel in the local market. Of course, when Jordan snakes back into hiding, her lady lumps appear to shrivel back to normal sized proportions.
Just like Kerry Katona, Jordan went on the celebrity jungle programme. Sadly, the show didn’t ask the contestants to make early nineties drum and bass or incorporate any raga samples. Instead, they had to eat insects, drink piss and generally be laughed at by Ant and Dec whilst they hopped around and ate stottie bread.
Kerry won the show and reignited her fame. However, Jordan got the booby prize and won prized tit and general annoyance Peter Andre. From there, they got married, had some children, who they gave stupid names, and then divorced. There you go, their lives summed up in a sentence. Amazingly though, Jordan will be able to get her ghost writer to stretch that into 364 hardback book retailing at £11.95 in time for Christmas.
So what does Jordan the relationship expert say to Kerry? Supposedly penning this in her OK! magazine diary she says:
“You have four beautiful kids and they need you now, Kerry. The only way you will get better is by admitting you have a problem and seeking help from professionals. I genuinely wish you all the best.”
In other words she means:
1) Stop being a druggie and pay more attention to your kids before you fall down the stairs and crush one to death or the social services take them away.
2) Go see the professionals and maybe MTV will make a documentary on you called, Kerry Katona; Inside The Nut House.
3) If you’re alive at Christmas, I’ll get my people to send you a card.
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