Kerry Katona isn’t the person you’d leave your children or antique collection of Victorian crockery with.

We know this because over the years, Kerry has made a slight twat of herself. Take a rough northern woman and add drugs, booze and relationship problems and you get Kerry Katona, aka something Jeremy Kyle would jizz over for his show.

Despite being unable to keep her finances together and do a straight interview on national TV, Kerry was picked to lecture the nation of our future. The snotty-faced posh folk at Oxford took some time out from rowing practice to listen to Kerry bleat on about her times as a druggie and as an alien. Bill Gates must have been running late.

Oxford University is a place where brainboxes from around the world go to. Whilst most universities offer general subjects such as teaching, psychology and courses in architecture, Oxford is different. You can pay silly amounts of money to study the dialect of a group of tribesman who lived in the country known as Belgium from around 2000BC. Basically, it’s a useless waste of time. Why can’t they be more like Hogwart’s and teach people how to fly?

For a high-profile university, you would have thought that their public speakers would be world famous. What about Tom from MySpace who started a social networking revolution? Or former members of parliament like Tony Blair? Lesser universities like Glasgow example have to be content with a local kebab shop worker who tells the story of how he created the deep fat fried Mars bar.

So having Kerry Katona as a speaker must have been a bit of a letdown for the university. Remember, she used to sing in Atomic Kitten and then won a show where she got plonked into a jungle. That happened roughly four years ago, yet we can’t escape the claws of Katona. She’s like an STD you can’t shake off.

It has been widely reported that Kerry likes the old drugs and booze. When not being caught on film for her MTV show, she appears on daytime TV shows, totally off her tits. When appearing on This Morning, her answers to questions were impossible to understand and sounded like this “Ogieojgkghnsrgopjrgsogfiomngfsjgodiodidigloop”.

Of course, it was blamed on medication. Definitely not through downing stupid amounts of alcohol and topping it off with a large mountain of drugs. So, why should the students at Oxford University care? Surely they should be out studying, playing polo or shooting foxes with the rest of their chums. Closer Online reports that:

“The troubled star told a group of around 100 students that she believed she was an alien during her five year struggle with bipolar disorder. She said: “I sat on the bed and said, ‘Mark, I’m an alien’ – and I really thought I was an alien.”

But which alien? There are some pretty famous ones out there and if Kerry’s new image is based on our neighbours from another galaxy, the following critters should worry due to Kerry nicking their likenesses:

ET – Known for phoning home and riding bikes into the night. Kerry may try and start ringing people and speaking to them in the weird language she used on This Morning. All in an attempt to take over your house and make you sing Atomic Kitten songs.

Marvin The Martian – Known for getting fairly cheesed off when he is outsmarted, he is like Kerry in so many ways. Kerry wacky exploits such as being pissed in public and making a general idiot of herself are always reported for us to chuckle over. All leading to Kerry getting angry and complaining it’s not true.

The alien thing in the X-Flies who nicked Mulder’s sister – Kerry will come and steal your children in the middle of the night so she can launch her own super-breed of creatures.

It really confuses as to why this lecture was organised in the first place. All we’ve seen is Kerry Katona making a bigger tit of herself. And giving us a poor excuse to watch ET since we’ve been reminded of the films existence.

You! Follow hecklerspray on Twitter!