Kerry Katona could almost be described as the most pointless so-called celebrity that the UK has had the misfortune of breathing life into.

So far in her career, Kerry Katona has been in rubbish girlband Atomic Kitten and left before the group got famous famous, got married to a Westlife pleb, had a few kids with him and then got divorced. And now, between seeing Kerry Katona gracing the pages of trashy women’s magazines with a new problem every week and starring in those awful Iceland adverts, Kerry Katona has never been more famous. Where will it all end? With Kerry Katona sprawled out nude on a trolley, graphically giving birth for a TV show? Not if Kerry Katona has anything to do with it.

Sadly no-one has ever approached any of the hecklerspray staff to give birth live on TV. That might be because the majority of us can’t get pregnant and our large stomachs are sadly down to a very poor diet of Coco Pops and lager. It still goes chocolaty-brown, if you were wondering, but with an added bit of fizz. Mmm. 

So why has Kerry Katona been approached to get her lady parts out for our sick pleasure? According to the angry taxman, she owes him £200,000, and a TV production company thought they could help her pay part of it off by filming a baby coming out of her quiet end for one of their shows. Uh-oh. According to Now:

“The troubled star, 27 – who denies allegations that she owes £200,000 in tax – was approached by a camera crew who wanted to film the labour as part of a documentary-style show to be aired next year.” 

It does seem rather peculiar that some twisted TV channel – we're guessing Channel Five – wants to see Kerry Katona give birth to her child whose sole use will be as a cash cow for for gawky-looking magazine photo shoots. Hecklerspray starts the bidding at £1.37 and a packet of Malteasers for the exclusive rights.  

But will Kerry Katona allow footage of her minge to be broadcast for us to spew up over? Thankfully not. 

“She says the birth is something private for her and Mark to enjoy and no amount of money is going to change that. She couldn't believe they were suggesting it.” 

Of course, the magical moment of birth is to remain private, but we’ll give it a few months before a baby photo war breaks out. As we’ve mentioned before, it’s hard for us to be pregnant but we imagine it’s not too joyful being a woman when the big moment forces itself upon her.

But – televised or not – when the big time comes for Kerry, we think we will go through every step of childbirth with her to feel her plight, except for the bit at the end where you crap yourself. All we require are two watermelons to slap on our testicles to resemble a pregnant belly and there you go! We will be in the same situation of having a body part so big that it constantly gets in our way. If only Blue Peter had thought of the bloke's baby emulator first. 

Read more:

Kerry Katona refuses to give birth on TV – Now