Kerry Katona And Drugs And All That Jazz
Watch out kids, mum’s gone to Iceland. To see if you can snort ice, that is.
After all, Kerry Katona’s had all of the good stuff, and we’re reduced to sniffing up crushed ice, cat litter and chopped up Junior Disprol through our tenners instead.
We at hecklerspray want to do all we can to get as mullered as La Katona – after all, getting as high as a kite (made out of shell suit material obviously) is doing her the world of good. Just think, Kerry used to be married to the one out of Westlife who looked like the good-looking one out of Pigs in Space. She also used to star on pre-menopausal yakshow Loose Women, where you get paid to talk about picking your kids up from school. Now she’s hitched to Mark Croft, an ahem independent businessman who – no offence, dude – makes the Yardies look like fwuffy old cuddlebags. And that TV career? Gone bye bye!
Dear old Kerry. She loves stuff that’s bad for you. First the booze, and now this. Clearly, shoving cheap chemicals into your system can’t be healthy – that’s why I don’t shop in Iceland. Radioactive sausage roll, anyone? As for her love of the devil’s dandruff, some sources close to Kerry (ie the voices in her head) blame Mark for her downward spiral into substance abuse. Others say it was her reportedly unstable mum and time in care as a kid that started her on the snow. Who knows?
One thing’s for certain – her drug-taking’s better than her singing ever was. Atomic Who? In the News of the World video released recently, Kerry hoovers up a line with all the speed of, well, speed. The News of the Screws has tastefully added a dramatic piece of funeral-type music to accompany the scenes. They’ve missed a trick. With Katona’s admission that she’s on track for a third nostril thanks to her raging addiction, they could have used Atomic Kitten classic (Coke Can Make A) Hole Again.
According to her stepsister, Kerry is aiming for an early grave but thinks that dying young might help her to turn the public’s frown upside down a la Jade. Remember? We all hated Goody until she got cancer. That’s the difference though, Kerry – Jade contracted a terminal illness whilst you’re choosing the coke. Addiction is hard to beat but it is possible.
Why not give it a whirl? With all the money you’ll save from drugs, you might be able to upgrade your weekly shop to Lidl.
This was a guest post by the wonder that is Louise Scodie. Find out more about her here
