At one point, we believed that scientists only experimented on animals.

For whatever reason, a gang of mice would be rounded up in a lab 20 miles under the surface of the earth and then injected with all sorts of things. Sometimes they grew tusks like elephants or, in stranger cases, developed an unhealthy appetite for Mars bars and bottles of Blue Nun.

Slowly though, we’re coming to the conclusion that humans are also being used for experimentation. Don’t believe us? Then look at everybody’s low-budget supermarket endorser Kerry Katona for proof. If she is an example of a normal woman then we really should be stocking up on frozen prawn rings and hiding in a nuclear bunker. But fear not. It turns out that some of Kerry’s mental behaviour can all be explained by all the alcohol she shoves down her gob.

To some people, it may come as a surprise that Kerry Katona has been overdoing it on bottles of cheap cider and supermarket own-brand lager. But after keeping it to herself, her husband, children, PR and the camera crew that follows her around 24/7 she can finally tell us – the general monkeys of the public.

Whilst on another pointless interview to blab on about how she won I’m A Celebrity …Get Me Out Of Here 2004, Kerry decided to come clean about her addiction:

“Four years ago I was diagnosed as an alcoholic after a stay in The Priory clinic. This is not common knowledge as I’ve never admitted it before.”

As she said, this wasn’t common knowledge. However, for anyone who watched her terrible fly on the wall documentary about her unrock ‘n roll lifestyle, they would have seen her downing wine and acting a little bit pissed. But of course, it didn’t mean that she was an alcoholic and this accusation was denied again and again and again and again. It’s almost like she makes a career of denying being drunk or on drugs.

However, anyone who’s unemployed/a student/drug addict will have recently watched This Morning where Kerry’s interview didn’t go according to plan. Instead of being lightly grilled about her new programme about MTV filming her getting litres of fat drained from her body and her tits reshaped, instead they got car crash gold.

A pissed-looking Kerry Katona was seen slurring her words badly and generally looked a bit confused to they greying old man and fat-cheating lady who were asking her questions. If you haven’t seen the clip on YouTube yet, she pretty much talked like this: “Amimdzzzzzz Norrrrralllll Drunskaaaaaaaaaelmelm”.

Now don’t go jumping to conclusions. Kerry wasn’t off her rocker on This Morning from overdoing it on alcohol. Oh no, she was in fact suffering side-effects from the medication prescribed to treat her bi-polar disorder.

Kerry Katona’s former publicist/person who made her easy money Max Clifford said:

“I have known that Kerry had this problem for a long time and the fact that she has now come out and admitted it is a step in the right direction.”

But where will Kerry go next? Will she get the help she needs or will she sit outside a local greasy spoon with the rest of the tramp population? There they could rummage in the bins for that elusive 20p in order to get that precious hit of Super Brew or the dregs from a bottle of WKD.

With the shock revelation of Kerry Katona being an alcoholic, we are now bracing ourselves for the news that Pete Doherty has taken heroin and Gok Wan may be a homosexual.