There’s nothing like a bitter celebrity divorce, which is good because this is nothing like a bitter celebrity divorce.

Now don’t get us wrong, this is certainly bitter. The problem is that it’s the divorce of Kelly Rutherford from Gossip Girl, and if she was any less famous then she’d be, well, you.

However, since Kelly Rutherford’s divorce contains pregnancy, accusations of assault, laptop-throwing, violent temper tantrums and a child that appears to be unironically named after a brand of handbag, we’re willing to let the non-fame pass. But only this once, you hear? We’re not a bloody charity, Kelly.

Kelly Rutherford might be the least famous woman on the planet at the moment, but at least she’s got a decent plan to change that. First she got a job acting on Gossip Girl, which is admittedly a show so awful that most people would rather fling themselves under a tram than even be in the same room as a television that’s broadcasting it, but it’s a start.

Then Kelly Rutherford decided to get pregnant, a desperate bid for fame that has previously worked for the likes of Angelina Jolie, Queen Victoria, Barack Obama’s wife and your mum. And now Kelly Rutherford is ready for the final stage – the bitter, petty, public divorce from her estranged husband. Kelly Rutherford, welcome to the big league.

The source of the bitterness is a custody scrap between Kelly Rutherford and husband Daniel Giersch over their two-year-old-son Hermes. The long and the short of it is that Kelly Rutherford wants to take Hermes from California to New York while she films Gossip Girl because she thinks that Giersch will run away with the boy and never return again, and Daniel Giersch thinks that Hermes should stay with him in California because Rutherford is a mad-faced old nutter who can’t stop throwing computers at people.

Incidentally, what is it with mothers in custody cases and laptop-throwing? First Denise Richards did it, and now Kelly Rutherford’s been accused of it too? The message is clear – if you’re planning to leave your wife, invest in a netbook. Or better yet, a notepad. Or better yet, a roll of bubblewrap and a markerpen. Anyway, E! Online has more:

In a brief court hearing this morning, Rutherford’s attorney, Lance Spiegel, said that the move would be in keeping with little Hermes’ bicoastal lifestyle and that interrupting the routine could prove detrimental as the toddler “has never once spent a night away from his mother.” Takesh Hallin, an attorney for the 34-year-old Giersch, meanwhile, maintained that his client was the boy’s primary caretaker.

Don’t get too excited about this divorce, though – although the potential for ugliness is huge, Kelly Rutherford is due to start filming Gossip Girl in New York this weekend, so a verdict will no doubt be reached imminently.

We wouldn’t like to put ideas into the judge’s head, but there does seem to be one glaringly obvious solution to this mess, here – find out which parent decided to call their son Hermes, and then give custody to the other one. Bingo – problem solved.

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