Pie-munching Ozzy daughter Kelly Osbourne (CDs/DVDs) has finally seen the light and admitted that her dreadful first album – a listening experience with the pleasure level of whittling down your own shinbone – was little more than a "marketing ploy."

Kelly is adamant that her debut CD simply "wasn’t her sound." Coincidentally, this just happens to be the same long-player that failed to ignite any interest in the record-buying public whatsoever, now festering in 99p bargain buckets across the land.

Kelly insists, however, that her new material – co-scrawled with music svengali Linda Perry – is something of a departure. It’s all a million miles away, she claims, from the cash-in mediocrity of her earlier material.

It’s all a "brand new sound", she says.

Which is strange.

Because – to hecklerspray’s ears at least – Kelly’s latest opus One sounds pretty much exactly like everything she (and every other two-cent ‘rawk chick’ currently peddling their wares) has ever done.

Which is to say: it’s a bland Jacket-and-Jeans encapsulation of everything that’s wrong with modern pop music, an instantly forgettable non-tune planted so firmly in the middle of the road it should be dodging Volkswagens.

"I was kind of trapped in their weird corporate world that I didn’t want to be in." Kelly bemoaned of her earlier musical experiences, putting on the doe-eyed pout of an innocent young girl who – despite being part of the world’s most cynical media family – had absolutely no idea what sort of contract she was scribbling.

Okay, then. We believe you, Kels. And your brother Jack isn’t a greedy obnoxious fat bastard, is he? No, no – he’s just trapped in the limelight of a consumerist media bubble, the innocent victim of a paparazzi-smeared upbringing. Right…

Still. What else can you expect from the offspring of a Skeletor-faced millionaire mother who – despite having a good few million in the back – tries to fool everyone that she still shops at Asda?

[story by C J Davies]