The day of the Country Music Association awards is the third-biggest date on the calenders of all country singers, after the day that they all get to shoot tin cans off a log and the annual Smokey & The Bandit Appreciation Day.
But – however auspicious the Country Music Association awards are – one rootin'-tootin', pedal to the metal, CB radio-hollerin' cowboy with unnaturally white teeth and suspiciously straight hair won't be attending. Poor old Keith Urban has announced that he'll be missing the CMA awards next month thanks to all his rehab commitments. Keith Urban fans shouldn't worry, though, since his spot at the CMA awards will be filled by the world's second biggest country act – Whistlin' Jeb Sugarfoot And The One-Toothed Inbred Banjo Allstars, performers of the number one smash hit I Actually Had Literal Sexual Intercourse With A Piece Of Industrial Farming Machinery.
People are pushed into rehab for all kinds of reasons. Whitney Houston went to rehab because her arms were tired from swatting away imaginary crack demons all day, Tom Sizemore went to rehab because he was caught pissing out of a fake penis and Mel Gibson went to rehab because something about sugar tits. Keith Urban, however, went to rehab for a different reason that we don't know about because his rehab statement was so wishy-washy:
"One can never let one's guard down on recovery and I'm afraid that I have. With the strength and unwavering support I am blessed to have from my wife, family and friends, I am determined and resolved to a positive outcome."
That could mean anything. Chances are it's because Keith Urban started drinking again – he has a well-reported history of alcohol and drug addiction – but maybe he got loaded up on booze, jumped in one of the helicopters that he and Nicole Kidman rented and flew around Nashville muttering disparaging comments about Nicole's Stepford Wives remake and wetting himself like David Hasselhoff in an airport. Or maybe not.
Whatever reason Keith Urban had for going to rehab, though, it means he'll miss out on the annual CMA awards – the biggest awards ceremony for country singers in the world, usually held in Old Man McGee's barn or something. MSNBC reports:
Keith Urban, who checked himself into a rehabilitation treatment center last week for alcohol abuse, will not appear at the Country Music Association awards next month, his spokesman said Monday… Urban is nominated in the two categories he won last year: entertainer of the year and best male vocalist. He’s also up for best single, “Better Life,” and song of the year, for co-writing “Tonight I Wanna Cry.”
The spell in rehab couldn't really come at a much worse time for Keith Urban. As well as missing out on the CMA awards, he's also having to postpone the promotion for his new album Love, Pain & The Whole Crazy Thing, scheduled for release the day after the awards. And awards mean so much to Keith Urban, too – this year alone he already won a Grammy for Best Male Country Vocalist, the Academy of Country Music voted him Top Male Vocalist and keith Urban is also apparently the sexiest man in country music according to Country Weekly magazine, pushing Gurnin' Gill O'Manglemouth into a scarcely-deserved second place.
Also, by missing the Country Music Association Awards, Keith Urban is allowing his arch rival in Cowboy Singers Who Inexplicably Got Married To Stars Of Cold Mountain, Kenny Chesney, a slight advantage over him. Sure, Kenny Chesney might not be married to Renee Zellweger any more and Keith Urban is still with Nicole Kidman enough for people to stare at them when they're together but when it comes to singing songs about whiskey to a swarm of burly female truck drivers the gloves come off. Or something.
[story by Stuart Heritage]