Keith Richards Out Of Hospital, Just As Creepy As Ever

Everything's back to normal, folks. For a while, the future of Keith Richards looked a bit bleak, what with the blood clot he got on his brain after getting blasted and falling out of a coconut tree onto his, uh, coconut.

But now, after a crack team of New Zealand doctors drilled into his brain to make everything better, Keith Richards is out of hospital. And Keith's recovered so well that he's back doing what he does best - being a bit lechy towards women!

There seems to be a growing consensus that Keith Richards is actually superhuman. Most mere mortals would have croaked after taking as many drugs as Keith Richards has, let alone surviving a five-metre fall out of a palm tree onto their heads while being boozed up in Fiji. But to Keith Richards, smashing up your brain on a failed drunken coconut hunt is nothing that a doctor with some basic DIY equipment can't solve.

On Monday, a brain drill was stuck into Keith Richard's head to relieve the pressure of a suspected blood clot and, by Wednesday, The Rolling Stones put out a statement saying that the operation on Keith was a "complete success." And now, Keith Richards has made his own statement about the procedure. It's best to read the following in the voice of a confused elderly aristocrat with hints of a vaguely ridiculous Jamaican patois:

"Personally I would like to thank everyone at Ascot Hospital for the truly wonderful care I received. From the doctors to the beautiful ladies who make painful nights less painful and shorter. I'm pretty much at a loss for words to express my deep gratitude. I hope I wasn't too much of a pain in the arse — after all it was my head they fixed. Many thanks Kiwis."

Next on the agenda for Keith Richards is resuming the European leg of The Rolling Stones' A Bigger Band World Tour, set to kick off in Barcelona in June, where it's thought that The Rolling Stones will basically take the piss out of Keith by performing songs like Too Much Blood, All The Way Down, It Hurts Me Too, Pretty Beat Up, Laugh I Nearly Died and (I Can't Get No) Opioids Analgesics.

Read more:

Richards Thanks "Beautiful Ladies" At NZ Hospital - Reuters

[story by Stuart Heritage]