I miss the old Ke$ha. I miss the feeling that sex with Ke$ha would be a genital holocaust. I miss having a new, fresh anthem dedicated to the puke that didn’t make it into the toilet every two months. I wasn’t sure if she was an actual woman or a sentient brand of herpes, the wild’s deadliest killer. Her new single, “Die Young,” should’ve been a mix of sexual curiosity and fear like the world hadn’t seen before.
But it was just boring. The first song that comes out after she claimed to have sex with a ghost was boring.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: Can the spirit undead have Chlamydia? I don’t know the answer to this question, because I’m not a Dan Akroyd in that one scene of Ghostbusters. But Ke$ha does. On a trip to Africa she claimed to have a “couple experiences with the supernatural. I don’t know his name! He was a ghost!”
Let that sink in. If I, or any normal person, released a song right after we’d gotten laid by a phantom, we’d be too busy wondering how to clean all the ectoplasm off our body’s before we could even turn on a microphone. Is Ke$ha so wild that a ghost buying her another shot doesn’t even register as a major occurrence in her life? This encounter between woman and ghoul could be one of two very important moments in history: an Area 51 kind of thing, or proof of the exact point in time that Ke$ha went legitimately nuts.
To have sex with a ghost means that Ke$ha might have exhausted the world’s supply of living penises. Which means that we may have all had sex with Ke$ha without even knowing it. But why don’t I ejaculate glitter now? I thought that was a natural side effect of having sex with Ke$ha. If you date a man who’s previously been with Ke$ha, the only thing you can give birth to is a wailing, ripped pair of jeans. We’ll have to count that theory out, for lack of biological evidence.
Or maybe Ke$ha prefers ghosts in a “white girls who like black guys” kind of way. I don’t know what stereotypes I can apply to this since, again, I’ve never woken up next to a Casper (adequate derogatory slang term for ghosts.) Can a Casper pleasure a woman better than I can? Should I fear for my daughter? Does Ke$ha wake up shrieking in the night? Can I finally try to get “Once you have ghost, you won’t want most!” to catch on as a popular phrase?
There’s just so much we don’t know.
And Ke$ha didn’t even know his name! I know that her new single sucks, but I feel kind of bad for the girl. She’s become a part of the statistic of people used and hurt by erotic necromancy. One in every person ever is hurt by the vengeful deceased. Let’s keep that in mind when discussing Ke$ha’s traumatic “haunting” (adequate slang term for being fucked by a ghost.)
But honestly, is that why her new single is so boring? Does she lack the spirit now to ask men, bluntly, to show her where their dicks are at? “Die Young” is the cross between every cliché you’ve ever heard and an old person talking in their sleep. Critics have compared it to Flo Rida’s “Good Feeling” and Jessie J’s “Domino”, both of which are songs that you’re sick of hearing the first time you hear them.
“Die Young” is pop music anesthesia, and if it’s a sign of things to come, I’m not sure I like where the Post-Haunting era of Ke$ha is going. Ghost sex may lead to a fun story for your grandkids, but not only did it seem to rip out Ke$ha’s inspiration; it may have also ripped out her soul.