Katy Perry Thinks Ancient Egypt Was All About Cheetos And Pole Dancing

katy perry dark horse videoKaty Perry is the musical equivalent of candy floss. Bright, sugary, and too much will leave you feeling a little sick and wondering why you thought it was a good idea to begin with.

Fresh from her ‘WHY DOESN’T ANYONE EVER THINK I’M IN THE ILLUMINATI?’ themed performance at the Brit Awards, Katy has released the new video for her single Dark Horse.?Much like every other video she’s ever released, it’s complete with ridiculous wigs, over-the-top acting, and Katy looking all empowered whilst banishing evil men folk. We get it Katy, you got divorced once.

There’s not taking things too seriously, and then there’s proudly putting out a video that features a dancing Pomeranian, grills, and burning your mouth on Cheetos while dressed as a white Cleopatra that’s been dragged through Coachella backwards. Cleochella, if you will. Actually don’t. That name was awful, almost as much as ‘Katy-patra’, which is what Katy has started to refer to herself as. Groan.


I’m no industry professional, but the song itself isn’t too shabby – the video could have been dark and sexy, and you know… not featuring a chariot on hydraulics or an Egyptian-themed cheerleader pole dancing for no reason whatsoever. Not to mention getting Juicy J – a rapper with a pretty serious reputation – to pop out of ?a sarcophagus. The worst part is that you know it probably cost more than the average four-bed house to make a video look this cheap.

So how about a run down of the complete Katy-Perry-Video-By-Numbers experience? We’ve got wigs that would make RuPaul tell you to tone it down…

Katy Perry wigs

We’ve got some kind of hideous Black Widow effect, where men who don’t meet her standards are punched, electrocuted or eaten by tigers. Seriously, just stick a beard, some skinny jeans and a faux-philosophical tattoo on them and let’s just get this metaphor out in the open, shall we?

Katy Perry dark horse lightening Katy Perry wide awake punch Katy Perry roar tiger

And of course, some hammy over-acting that makes the whole video look like a bad Saturday morning kid’s show.

KP Dark horse acting kp roar acting kp tgif acting kp california girls

Make the most of it while you can, honey. If we’ve learned anything from Michael Jackson, it’s that there’s a direct link between your age, obsession with all things immature, and how downright creepy everybody finds you.