Katy Perry is blessed with many talents. She has a talent for dressing like a fruit without being hauled away by men in white coats.

She has a talent for living in the 1950s. Most importantly, she has a talent for using her impressive breasts to distract people from her questionable musical talent.

Breasts are the second best thing in the world for distracting people. The first thing being erect nipples on said breasts. Impressive body parts are worth their weight in gold in the world of pop. Think about it, what would you rather have in a world full of illegal downloads and short attention spans – Katy’s rack or a pitch-perfect voice?

Call us cynical (so long as you call us at all after getting us drunk the other night). Call us crazy, thanks. But don’t call us out on this one. We are quite sure a pretty face and a kooky sense of fashion are enough to get one ahead these days.

Shall we take a closer look at the anatomy of Katy Perry and see what we come up with?

The retro style/ often dressing like assorted additions to a fruit salad: This one is jolly nice. It means that when the annoying singer you don’t like appears on whatever inferior show has replaced Top of the Pops, they will be dressed in delightful primary colours. Said colours act as a sedative and lull you into a semi-comatose state. While only barely conscious, one is prone to swaying back and forth and buying downloads of musical horrors never to be listened to again.

The faux lesbianism/ kissing of girls anywhere other than on the cheek: This is something even t.A.T.u. screwed up and they were were reportedly contractually obliged to remain lesbian whilst in the company of others.

She kissed a girl and she liked it. So did her male fans. So did record bosses who laughed heartily at how clever they were to stave off the recession using lesbianism alone.

Finally the icing on the cake, the mammoth boobs: These are not the only thing that defines Katy. However, they matter enough to her that she “used to pray for big boobs”.

From Showbiz Spy:

The Hot ‘n Cold hitmaker has revealed that when she was nine, she’d kneel by her bed and ask God for an impressive bust. “I remember really vividly kneeling by my bed as a nine-year-old, saying my prayers and asking God to give me boobs that were so big that if I laid on my back, I wouldn’t be able to see my feet,” she said. “Eventually, that request was granted.”

To be clear: she didn’t pray for talent or fashion sense or even success. She prayed for Jordan’s old bra size. She got it and a shaky pop career to boot. Hooray for weirdo, selfish prayers.

This was a guest blog by Amy Grindhouse, who is stupendous.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter