Russell Brand and Katy Perry have an awful lot in common – like kissing girls, and like liking kissing girls.

So no wonder they’re engaged. According to reports, Katy Perry – famous for singing one song about 18 months ago; and Russell Brand – famous for saying long words in Dot Cotton‘s voice, making old men cry and having sex with every single thing that has ever existed – made their decision on New Year’s Eve at some hokey Indian ceremony for rich people who don’t have any real problems to worry about.

So congratulations. May they have a long and healthy marriage that doesn’t end with Katy stabbing Russell through the heart with a breadknife three days in after discovering him bed with six burlesque dancers, a traffic warden and the supporting cast of Animals Do The Funniest Things.

If you’re one of those public nuisances who insist on dressing up like Russell Brand all the time – even though you secretly know that it’s just as pathetic as dressing up like Elvis Presley or Noel Edmonds or Optimus Sodding Prime – then take this as an advance warning.

Your look is about to change quite drastically. Russell Brand, you see, has just got engaged to Katy Perry. And that means that your impractically tight jeans, silly winkle pickers and ludicrous back-combed hair will soon look dramatically out of date as Russell switches to a nice short back and sides, comfortable loafers and some beige slacks that are roomy enough to facilitate optimum movement around branches of Habitat on Sunday mornings. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.

But let’s deal with that when we need to. For now, let’s entertain ourselves with a game of ‘see how many words of the Russell Brand/ Katy Perry engagement description you can read without punching yourself in the mouth out of anger and frustration’. Ready? Do your worst, PA:

The 34-year-old comedian reportedly proposed during a spiritual ceremony in India on New Year’s Eve, and the relationship was blessed by a “love guru”. The Sun newspaper said it had received a text confirming the engagement from Brand, who said: “It’s true. Much love.”

Nine. We managed nine words. ‘Spiritual’ did it for us, although we also punched ourselves at ‘blessed’ and, by the time we got to ‘love guru’, we were ready to gouge out our eyes with our thumbs.

Oh, we’re just being cynical. If getting engaged at some awful-sounding tourist trap ceremony for celebrities who enjoy over-using the word ‘authentic’ is what makes Russell Brand and Katy Perry happy, then so be it. We’re sure they’ll be perfectly happy together. After all, it isn’t as if Katy Perry is the sort of woman who’ll get engaged to people ludicrously early and then split up with them shortly afterwards for no reason, is it?

What’s that? She is? Oh. Sorry. Ignore everything we just said, then.

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