There are a few regular fixtures that we look forward to on ITV.

Most of the time, it’s the adverts – a welcome relief to wake us up from all the twee period dramas. But now and then, a couple of programmes do spark interest and convince people to watch. X Factor is one, thanks to the simple joy of watching other people’s misery.

We all know the show is about Simon Cowell. Being the brains of the show, he gets all the attention. Then there’s Louis Walsh the zany judge, Cheryl Cole as the crying eye-bait and Dannii Minogue who keeps her sister’s chair warm. However, the 2010 auditions have lost this judging formula with two of the regulars failing to make it to work. One took time off to have a child and the other has been struck down with malaria. Typical woman, they’ll use any excuse to get out of work. However they needn’t worry – Katie Price wants to step in and help out.

When coming up with a shortlist of judges to replace Cheryl Cole and Dannii Minogue, it’s safe to say that Katie Price wouldn’t rank highly. Thumbing through her half-page CV, it doesn’t seem realistic that a former Page Three model and constant magazine dealer should be given a shout. However, we can’t doubt her intelligence that much; Page Three models always seem to have a sophisticated view on the news while they’re having their photo done.

That said, it does seem that any female who’s ever released a pop record in the last fifteen years is being allowed to have an X Factor judging spot. So far Geri Halliwell, Natalie Imbruglia, Pixie Lott, Katy Perry and Nicole Scherzinger have all shattered the dreams of hundreds. Natalie Imbruglia in particular has been riding high on her one-off hit Torn since the mid-nineties. We salute you Natalie, an inspiration to one-hit wonders everywhere.

Looking at those names, we can see that all of the above are connected due to their musical past. Katy Perry and her fondness for social lesbianism is leading the girly pop world at the moment, while Geri Halliwell takes the role of mental screaming cat lady as she screeches “I used to be a Spice Girl, do you want to spice up your life?” in the corner. Speaking to The Mirror, Katie Price says she expects people to say the following:

“Why’s she’s doing it?” “What’s she got to with it?” Blah, blah,”but I’ve still got ears and can still hear things and can see looks.”

What can we say? Katie Price seems to have answered our questions. A tangerine-coloured bimbo with boobs that’ll sink the judging table probably isn’t the look Simon Cowell is going for. But she can look and see things! Crikey where do we go to get those advanced skills? Will they help us succeed in life or hold us back like that time we threw our entire paycheque into a wishing well?

Perhaps the opposite advice of what Katie Price said should be used. Employing a partially deaf and blind person to judge would really shake up the competition.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter