Katie Price is mostly famous for getting drunk and flashing her boobs, and for staying sober and flashing her boobs.
But at heart, she’ll always be a singer. In 2005 Katie Price attempted to become the UK’s Eurovision representative, and failed. In 2006 Katie Price released a version of a song from The Little Mermaid, which also failed. But, undeterred by the public’s obvious apathy for her vocal talents, Katie Price has announced on Twitter that her debut solo single will be released in little over a month.
A month? That’s no good at all. That’s barely enough time to build a soundproof bunker, let alone line it with an acceptable amount of lead to definitely rule out the chance of us hearing any of her grating shrieks. More notice next time please, Katie.
Right, let’s cut straight to the chase. Katie Price – the woman who used to be called Jordan until she realised that the British public would probably pay a big percentage of their earnings to push Jordan into a spike-filled pit – is going to release a single. We know this because, on Twitter last night, Katie Price wrote:
“I can at last reveal my first solo single is out monday 12 july i love the tune an hope you guys do to xxx”
You know what? We’re not completely sure that Katie Price’s single will be a success. Here’s why:
1 - On I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here last year, the British public paid a big percentage of their earnings to force Katie Price to eat kangaroo bum for several days in a row – which, traditionally speaking, isn’t a terribly convincing sign of her popularity.
2 - Katie Price’s speaking voice is so detached and monotonous that she makes Stephen Hawking‘s computer sound like Russell Brand running through a room of armed mousetraps with no trousers on. This probably wouldn’t make her singing voice that great to listen to.
3 - Actually, here is Katie Price’s singing voice…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=waLhLr60P1s
4 - And here’s more of Katie Price’s singing voice…
So we were right, basically. We could have just said that and caused everyone a lot less pain but, oh no, that would have been too easy.
5 - A few months ago, Katie Price used Twitter to write:
“wow i WANT you guys to get the film PAPARAZZI directed by Mel Gibson cause what the lead guy goes through is exactly what i go through”
Now, since a) Paparazzi wasn’t directed by Mel Gibson at all and b) in the film the lead guy’s entire family gets killed in a car accident, causing him to go on a revenge-fuelled murder spree – something which almost definitely hasn’t happened to Katie Price – we’ve come to the conclusion that every single thing Katie Price writes on Twitter is the precise scientific opposite of the truth. So with that in mind, Katie Price definitely won’t be releasing a single on Monday 12 July.
Phew. We dodged a bullet there, people.
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