Katie Hopkins Back With Field Sex Guy. You Care

Katie Hopkins will continue to have sex with a man until she has killed him. That's the rumour anyway.

The thing with The Apprentice quitter Katie Hopkins is that you keep expecting the Darth Vader theme from Star Wars to play every time she walks into a room. We can only imagine she has a similarly diabolical set-up to Darth’s at home; a purpose built meditation chamber enabling her to chat to the Devil about shoulder pads and highlights while planning the downfall of all womankind from being taken seriously in the workplace. We can also imagine a pitchfork-shaped bed in this chamber where she shags loads of blokes on their honeymoon. Unsurprisingly, dirty Katie is at it again, only this time she’s having an affair with the same guy thrice. That’s got to be more than just an apprenticeship for anyone.

The battered meat in question is Mark Cross, 43 years old and supposed to be patching things up with Ruth Cross, his wife of 11 years - or to put it another way, that indiscreet fellow who had sex with Katie in a cornfield. You couldn’t have missed the incriminating photos as they've danced around newspapers and the internet for the past month - Katie with her back up against a fence, Mark with his hands wrapped around her praying while she prepares to sink her giant fangs into his jugular. Mark is now her sex slave and will do whatever she wants, whenever she wants; which may include copulation in a lift, holding hands and grimacing in public or possibly having their writhing bodies reproduced on a special edition Franklin Mint plate.

Commenting on her husband’s dalliances, jilted wife Ruth had this to say:

“My husband has disappeared up Katie Hopkins' arse. I feel anger towards Katie. She's just like the demon she's portrayed on TV — she's a horrible person.”

Katie took a break from dining on her lover’s post-coital carcass to defend herself. She rebuked:

“I follow my heart. I love Mark.”

Mark Cross is no innocent in this debacle. Nobody forced him into this particular episode of geriatric Hollyoaks After Dark. If he wants to have sex with Katie, run back to his wife, get photographed in a field having more sex with Katie, run back to his wife again, have yet more sex with Katie, leave his wife for the 50,000th time and perhaps, on this occasion, for good, then that's his sorry concern. This guy must be the most silver-tongued charmer, or just so pathetically dribbling and child-like, crying on his knees and begging for a return to Sunday roasts and arguments over the remote control, that he can convince a normally rational woman to say “Yeah, okay, just don’t fuck her again this time, alright?”

Katie is an irresistible lady though. The way she can pierce through the skin of any mortal, reach in and rip out their soul like a bulging appendix with just an upwards glance and a short skirt from Debenhams – it’s ambrosia to any man’s wandering eye.

A strong contender for next series of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, Katie Hopkins might soon be able to add ‘sex in the jungle with another Z-list nobody’ to her ever-growing roster of shattered lives and man-corpses. At a mere 31 (no!) years old, Katie has plenty of time to make a career in television presenting Sex Tips For Harlots or 10 Years Older, precisely the sort of show that comes off the back of a stint in the tropics. Just look at former I’m A Celebrity… winner Joe Pasquale, he’s never off the TV these days. Word is he sits on top to stop the bailiffs from taking it.

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Katie’s Back With Her Field Good Guy – News of the World