Katie Holmes Runs Away From Tom Cruise, Maybe…While Screaming…Possibly

Run, Katie Holmes! Run as if Dawson’s massive forehead were behind you! You’re so close to freedom!

For the first time in what seems like an ice age, Katie has escaped the clutches of everybody’s favourite evil Nazi, Tom Cruise. Scampering away to New York City with daughter Suri in tow, Holmes was free to roam as she saw fit, without the watchful eye of the Cruiser looking over her shoulder.

The official story behind her visit to NYC is that Katie Holmes is about to star in the Broadway production of Arthur Miller’s All My Sons - but we know better. It’s an escape ploy from Katie - she’s clearly running back to the Creek: the one place she can feel truly safe from Maverick and his Scientology cronies.

Katie’s plan to flee from her Cruise-shaped captor had seen only two distinct steps: first she got the role in the aforementioned play, then she landed herself a cameo in some TV show that no one knows anything about.

By disguising herself to look like some kind of pixie-boy and finally escaping via helicopter to New York, Katie has enacted steps three and four of the epic plan of escape - sure to leave even someone with the keen magical senses of Tom Cruise (though he still can’t keep pizzas warm - the berk!) befuddled as to where she could have gone.

Though, to be fair, he will know where she is, as she’ll have set times to appear on stage. Hmm. Should have thought this through more carefully, Katie. And that’s not even taking into account the legions of Scientology spies that exist through the world - we all saw the Panorama documentary on it, we all know they exist.

But in what could well be the ultimate show of defiance in the face of her husband and his thetan chums, Katie decided against attending The Church of Scientology Celebrity Centre 39th Anniversary Gala - surely a massive slap in the face of the religion? And to make matters worse, what did she do instead of attending the annual shebang?

Katie Holmes took her daughter to see The Little Mermaid and Mary Poppins. That’s some textbook defiance right there.

Unfortunately it does look like Katie isn’t actually trying to escape any clutches - evil or otherwise - and is instead simply in another part of America to her husband. While we do like to both wildly speculate whilst at the same time encourage the poor girl to leg it as fast as she can, we can’t provide any actual facts backing up the claims that she is, in fact, doing a runner.

And, of course, you can prove anything with facts (copyright Stewart Lee).

We can, however, continue to encourage Katie Holmes to escape the clammy embrace of Tom Cruise and Scientology for her own good. Maybe then she’d get some life back into her eyes.

You know - those things on her face that look so, so dead.