Katie Holmes has slotted in so well to married life with Tom Cruise that Tom's children from his time with Nicole Kidman call her 'Mom' in their allotted thrice-monthly visits to her cage.
Katie Holmes revealed to Parade magazine that Tom's adopted children Isabella, 14, and Connor, 12, refer to her as 'Mom', even though 'very slightly older sister' would have probably been more apt. However, this sudden revelation is bound to upset Nicole Kidman profoundly, especially since she has said that the children now call her 'Nicole' against her wishes. Some have commented that this is all a deliberate ploy by Tom Cruise to turn the kids against Kidman, but we're not so sure – every kid knows the easiest way to get a bigger Christmas present from one divorced parent is pretend that you like the other divorced parent's new partner more than them.
Come on, that's rule number one, people.
Identity is a funny thing. Take Tom Cruise. To some he's the oversincere bell-end from Top Gun, to others he's the oversincere bell-end from Days Of Thunder. To Scientologists Tom Cruise is Jesus, to Germans Tom Cruise is Goebbels. And to Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise is the shadowy authority figure who keeps her locked in a dungeon except when he has a film out at which point he pays her to stand next to him bent-kneed on red carpets. Oh, we're kidding.
Anyway, Katie Holmes is a woman of several identities herself. Depending on the situation Katie Holmes can either be a glamorous fashionista, a goofy everygirl, the one weak link in Batman Begins or – in formal Scientology circles – Intrusive Humanoid 77629. What? It's a joke.
But now Katie Holmes can add one more identity to her CV – Mom. And not just to Suri Cruise The Enigmatic Space Baby, either – Katie Holmes is a Mom to Isabella and Connor, the children who Tom Cruise adopted when he was married to Nicole Kidman. Speaking to Parade magazine, Katie Holmes said of the kids:
"They are incredible. They call me Mom."
Of course they do, because Isabella and Connor have so much in common with Katie Holmes. They're almost all exactly the same age, for starters, and Katie Holmes doesn't have a frantically successful movie career to take care of like their adopted mother Nicole does.
In fact, Katie's comments come suspiciously close to a something Nicole Kidman said about her kids not so long ago. Nicole said:
"They call me Nicole, not mom which I hate and tell them off."
That can't possibly be coincidental, can it? In fact, all signs point to a kind of tug-of-love for the two kids between Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, with Katie Holmes acting as Tom's robotic mouth-puppet. Maybe religion has something to do with it, too, because Tom Cruise must raise the children as Scientologists and Nicole Kidman must raise them as that rare offshoot of devout Catholicism where you're allowed to make films that slag off Catholics.
It must be an ideological minefield for the children, and perhaps this confusion has led to their adoption of Katie Holmes as a mother figure. After all, the only thing that Nicole Kidman can do when they're naughty is promise that they'll spend eternity in a kind of intangible hell situation – which means nothing to the average child – but if they're naughty around Tom Cruise he can promise that they'll spend a week in the tiny pitch-black rat-filled dungeon in his basement, surviving by licking the condensation off the walls for moisture like Katie has done for 90% of her marriage.
Oh come on, we're kidding.
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Jack Daniel says
I’m a Scientologist and I think it is funny. But all the alien stuff in print is just not where it is at. Scientology is not about aliens. But just like Christianity and Islam and many other religions, people not of this world and place are given a mention. (not as little green men though). I find it fascinating that Scientologists would be lambasted for that though. How come? We spend zillions of our hard earned money going to Sci Fi movies, buy Sci Fi books, and give zillions more to the Christian Church. We watch all these exposes on government cover-ups of UFO’s and have a huge cult that just follows that part of it – UFOs. As a society we are pretty well obsessed with life existing in other worlds. So why make Scientologists seem strange for mentioning it? It’s like the 1% of the 1% of the writings in Scientology anyway. Sheesh. Give it a rest.