As shown on these very pages, time and time and time again, Muse fans are the most humourless, dreary music fans who ever lived. And so, their joyless, futile lives are about to be lifted briefly with the news that Matt Bellamy’s wife, Kate Hudson, is impregnated with his seed.
How bloody wonderful.
Of course, we’re hugely cynical about the whole thing and have imagined that Hudson – Goldie Hawn’s sprog – heard about Owen Wilson expecting the pitter patter of urine drenched feet and got insanely jealous, wanting one of her own, even if it did have to be with her current beau who looks like a cast-off Tim Burton doodle.
The source, who has probably never met anyone ever on Earth, let alone Hudson and Bellamy, told some magazine or other:
“It was not planned, but they are excited and embracing it”
Funnily enough, Kate Hudson has only been dating Matt Bellamy for 9 months, which of course, is the same gestation period as a baby human. If she’s 9 months gone, then we can safely assume that she would have dumped the Muse noodler, but feels obliged to stay with him because he went and penetrated her womb with his long, thin space penis.
The source adds that the actress is thrilled that her 7-year-old son Ryder (who she had with grotty blues pilferer Chris Robinson from The Black Crowes) to have a little chum to pick on and bully mercilessly. As The Black Crowes showed us, that’s what happens with siblings isn’t it?
“She is happy for Ryder to finally have a brother or sister”
Whatever. This child is no use to us unless it grows up to share the behaviour of Lindsay Lohan or that mad fucker from the Terminator films.
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RightsaidDead says
LOL Kate Hudson is a female Charlie Sheen….
Dominic Howard says
WHAT? NO. That idiot’s baby should be MINE.
Alana says
Oh god, the lies & stupidity in this thing made me laugh to hard. Listen, bitches, the last thing Musers have are joyless, futile lies. & trust me, we sure as fuck aren’t happy about Slutson being knocked up with Matt’s kid, but we’ll live with it. Second, did you really just say Matthew James fucking Bellamy looks like a “cast-off Time Burton doodle”? Trust me, gods don’t look like Tim Burton doodles, you idiots.
& this kid will look like God, for your information.
That is all. :)
Ivana Trumpet says
Since when did you penetrate the womb in order to conceive? Muse are rather genius anyway and I’d quite happily be knocked up by pointy face.
Xana says
Im a Muse fan, I have a sense of humour, and don’t take it all too seriously. However, the idiot in this scenario is the heinous Kate Hudson. The word ‘entrapment’ springs to mind… how convenient that she fell pregnant. He could do a lot better than that Hollywood bike, but now he has slipped in my estimations somewhat too.
Dead Star says
I’m sorry, IDIOT ? Are you a fucking moron ? If he’s an idiot, he, along with other members, would never produce 5 albums and 2 live albums, they would never achieve so many awards, they would never hold concert in Wembley Stadium D:
I’m a Muse fan, I have sense of humor, and I’m quite excited for Baby Bellamy.
So stop mocking Matt, he’s a GENIUS. STFU.
Cheers !
p.s DOM HAS SPOKEN !
Nyann says
Not idiot as in he’s stupid but he is an idiot for falling for the ol’ entrapment. LOL And Dom has spoken! ;)
LMAO says
You have a sense of humor? Really? Then why are so freaking affected about the “Idiot” comment, it’s obviously for satire purposes! Jesus, stop contradicting yourself, will you? HAHAHHA
MUSEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! says
1st: IDIOT??? are you fucking kidding me???? if there’s an idiot in that relationship is Slutson not Matt
2nd: we are not pleased about the baby thing too but we support Matt because he is going to be the BEST father ever not like that bitch…
3rd: you have no fucking idea about muse or musers so just shut the fuck up and buy a new ears so you can apreciate what is music
4th: cast-off tim burton doodle? sounds like you need to buy a new eyes too…
5th: the best thing that ever could happend to Slutson is being with Matt.. sadly the worst thing ever could happend to Matt is being with Slutson….
BELLDOM!!!!! ?
HyperBelle says
Because I an not a “humourless, dreary” Muse fan I find this article quite hilarious.. Obviously the idiot in this equation is the writer of this piece.. As well a generalising and insulting people they didn’t even get their facts right as Kate Hudson is NOT “Matt Bellamy’s wife.” If the reporter can’t get that simple thing right it’s obvious that they are just purely stupid or deluded in thinking that they can right and that people care about their petty vendetta against Matt.. Get your facts right and grow up.. Also if the writer took the time to look into this they might see that many Muse fans are not exactly ecstatic about this revelation.. That is all.
Laura says
Muse fans are the most humourless, dreary music fans who ever lived.
I actually find that insulting. I fucking love Muse and without them I have no idea where I would be. I also love the fact that Matt Bellamy is going to be a father. The kids gonna be the next greatest musician ever.
Just because YOU can’t play guitar, piano AND sing AND realease albums AND sell out Wembley Stadium.
Go fuck yourself :)
Jacinda says
You poor thing.
Anna says
LOL, sorry – I believe you have your facts a little messed-up.
For a start, Matt and Kate aren’t married.
Secondly, we Musers are NOT humourless – quite the contrary, as you’d see if you decided to get off your lazy arse and do some research.
Finally, stop taking the piss with your pathetic excuse for trolling. Also, what the hell do you think you’re doing, insulting an UNBORN CHILD? Can you sink any lower? I simply can’t imagine.
U MAD says
Someone’s jelly! But seriously, get a life, this website sucks ass.
Redkicks says
When did she ‘accidentally’ shoot her boyfriend (see the charlie sheen/kelly preston incident), abuse various spouses, screw male prostitutes, become an addict, etc.?
Hysteria says
I feel sorry for sadistic people. Instead of writing with positivity they belittle our lovely Matt :(
Mof Gimmers says
IDIOT? YES I AM
hoohaahee says
Looks like Muse fans are as rabidly fucking daft as the average MJ fan too.
Btw Muse aren’t genius. They’re a middle of the road pop-rock band who are desperately trying to mimic Queen.
Jesus take the wheel man says
This website is so sad lmao.
Muse make powerful music and their fans get affected by it. Hardly a new concept.
Love how this shit website thinks it’s okay to judge the private actions of two normal human beings based on how many people are interested.
Call yourself “satire”? Satire mocks an undesirable part of society in order to highlight how we can be better as human beings. You’re just making a living by insulting people without even being clever about it.
You no doubt justify it with the thought that the people you write about won’t see it.
News flash, they do see it. Managers hire people for that exact purpose.
What you do isn’t funny. It doesn’t have a purpose and it’s hurtful.
If you think I’m ruining your fun then you’re wrong, because wasn’t even funny to begin with. Gather some intelligence and pick your targets better. Jesus fucking Christ.
Dominika says
excause me. I am disgusted. >.<
As long as Muse are not gona break up, I DON'T GIVE A CRAP. because though i live matthew, i love the WHOLE band more.
Muser says
EXACTLY. BELLDOM FOWEVEW! <3
Geez. says
uhm…just who the hell do you think you are?!
Muse fans, I admit, I am one, are not humourless, nor are we just some dreary music fans. I think the only reason why you think we Musers are humourless is because you lack information. I’d like to see how you lived your life writing this trash! Probably YOU are the one with a joyless and futile life that is only lifted by writing these insults.
@hoohaahee Muse is not just another band trying to mimic Queen. I am trying to defend them…fan or not, that is just downright offensive. Music does not mean following one of those successful ones, it’s about sharing what they have to say to the world. Every musician is a genuis; we are all genuises, not exactly in music but in some special way. Geez, when you try to write an article…at least try to be considerate about those who you are writing about.
SewerUrchin says
If you “Musers” aren’t humourless, then why are you getting so pissed off about a bitchy article on a website known for being bitchy? Grow up. Not everyone obsesses over people they don’t know like you do. Do you really think you’re going to change the mind of the person who wrote this article by whining at them? Of course not. So ignore it and get over it. If someone slags off a band I like, I shrug, and go back to doing whatever it was I was doing. Know why? Because I’m a normal human being who doesn’t get butthurt over someone not liking a band that I like.
For the record, I think Muse have the odd good tune, but that’s about it. And no, they are not “gods”, as Alana seems to think. They are people with instruments, like every other band.
Dayveeoh says
Muse are terrible. HEY GUYS CHECK OUT MY ARPEGGIOS AND TERRIBLE BREATHING TECHNIQUE!
I support this article 100%.
dumbies says
matt bellamy is a little shithead fact who thinks he is god’s gift.
MattBellamyisDouche says
Matt Bellamy is a douche, and would never touch any of you muse fans with a 10 foot pole. He wouldn’t be interested in any of you unless you are a high profile actress, or a good looking model. You don’t stand a chance with this ugly twat.
Matt'sWonkyPiano says
We (Musers) wouldn t touch you with a 15 foot long pole with a condom on the end *just saying* *dances like Thom Yorke*