Kate Gosselin To Bleat Until World Suffers Collective Aneurysm

Jon Gosselin is a tool for emptying his joint account with Kate Gosselin. Not because he did it, mind you.

But because of what it meant. Deep down, Jon Gosselin must have known what would happen when he took all that money. He must have known that Kate Gosselin would rush to the nearest television studio and bellyache about it in such a sustained, high-pitched, self-pitying whine that everyone who watched it assumed that they were suffering from a particularly unpleasant bout of tinnitus.

And, unsurprisingly, that’s what Kate Gosselin did on the Today show yesterday. We hate you so much, Jon Gosselin.

You know, the other day we came indecently close to liking Jon Gosselin. It was when he banned cameras from filming his children because he’d been sacked from Jon & Kate Plus 8. True, he was only doing it because he was being a colossal tit, but anything that puts an end to Jon & Kate Plus 8 – and the prolonged nightmare of having to write about Jon and Kate Gosselin for a living – was OK in our book.

Conversely, anything that forces either Jon or Kate Gosselin to keep making television shows out of financial necessity is a bad thing. No, scrap that, it’s the worst thing. If we were in charge of the law – and God knows there isn’t a second that passes where we don’t wish that – then we’d make the crime of forcing either Jon or Kate Gosselin to keep making television shows out of financial necessity at least as serious as genocide. And so would you. So would you.

So it’s a good job we’re not in charge of the law, because if we were then Jon Gosselin would be going down for a long time. Yesterday we told you how Jon Gosselin had reportedly cleared out nearly quarter of a million dollars from the joint account he shared with Kate, leaving her and the kids with $1,000 between them. And in the world’s most depressingly inevitable retaliation, Kate Gosselin went on the Today show to explain exactly what that meant in much more detail than anyone would ever really need to hear it in. People reports:

“When you’ve left your children and their mother without the funds to pay for the roof over their head, it’s not acceptable,” Kate, 34, told the Today show. “I need that money to provide for them. We were in the position after our sextuplets were born that we could not pay our bills. We did the show to provide a better life for them. Never did I think I’d be back in the same position.”

You arsehole, Jon Gosselin. Do you know what this means? It means that Kate Gosselin will now be forced to make as many reality TV shows as she can just to keep a roof over her head. That means more Kate Plus 8 episodes, a special spin-off charting the day-to-day exploits of Kate Gosselin’s haircut and all manner of separate shows about each individual Gosselin child, including The Adventures Of The Third One From The Right and Quiet Gosselin Child At The Back: It’s Complicated.

It also means that Jon Gosselin will almost certainly appear on television before sunset to insufferably bleat his rebuttal to Kate Gosselin’s insufferable bleating. Which is obviously worse.

Follow hecklerspray on Twitter