Kate Gosselin has held down many jobs in her life.
Mother, wife, mother again, mother, mother, Wurzel Gummidge impersonator, psychiatric counsellor to to a man with terminal douchebagitis, mother, mother, worse dancer than a fat lass called – improbably – Niecy Nash, garbage collector, and mother.
Excuse us a second…one, two, three…four, five, six, seven…
Mother.
Except, it turns out that the whole Kate-Gosselin-as-a-garbage-collector thing didn’t go as well as it could have. Join us after the jump for a devastating appraisal of Kate’s skills from the National Solid Wastes Management Association.
The NSWMA, as we chummily call them, are amongst our favourites of all the solid wastes management associations out there. Top five, for sure.
When the NSWMA speaks, we listen. Primarily to stay up to date on the Driver Of The Year awards (2009 Large Company Industrial winner: John Thomas), but also because of their searing opinions on celebrities within the field of solid wastes management.
Their latest Hollwyood target is poor old Kate Gosselin who – according to NSWMA CEO Bruce J. Parker – was pretty crap at picking crap up. Tell us more, Bruce:
“She would have to be in shape to handle the work. She could not do it right now. You have to be in peak conditioning.”
Oh, you can snigger, but Bruce tells it like it is: solid wastes management is a demanding profession, and if you’re not in peak conditioning then you are definitely not on Bruce’s team this week.
But why was Kate Gosselin slumming it with a bunch of mucky blokes who believe that Page Three stunnas are the very height of sophistication and class? The tediously predictable answer is she was filming for an upcoming show: Twist Of Kate.
We’re not joking: that was really the best title that producers could come up with. Not Better Kate Than Never. Not Worth Her Kate In Gold. Not even – for the love of god, why not? – Kate Gosselin Stretches Her Vast And Pliable Uterus Between Two Trees And Then Sees How Far It Can Catapult Some Everyday Household Items.
Anyway, Twist Of Kate it is. In the show – set to air this autumn – Kate Gosselin takes on an array of icky jobs that ordinary people (you know, those with no sense of self worth, who are prepared to degrade themselves in public just to earn a few bucks for their families) have to do every sodding day.
One of those jobs was garbage collector, and Kate Gosselin was about as good at it as she is at choosing a suitable life partner. Seems she was barely able to last a single day swinging bins around with the lads. She called the experience:
“…beyond uncomfortable.”
Back to Bruce for his riposte to Baroness Hoity-Toity:
“I’m sure it’s uncomfortable for her doing that [garbage collecting]. But she’d get in great physical condition. If she worked at that job for a month or so, believe me, she would mambo like you’d never seen her before!”
Let’s all just take a moment to wipe away the flecks of vomit now spackling our lips after involuntarily being forced to imagine Kate Gosselin doing the mambo, massive loops of flaccid womb trailing behind her.
Sorry, Bruce, do continue:
“It’s a good career for her to do. If she shows promise and she does the job well… she could move up in any company. These helpers and drivers make a decent salary.”
Yes! Nice one, Bruce!
Way to strip the dignity from someone who married a terrible piece of arse-gristle, had eight children with him, filmed their awkwardly inept parenting, got divorced, realised cash was tight and decided to shove her patently unwilling kids back in front of the cameras.
Kate Gosselin: zero. National Solid Wastes Management Association: flutey-billion and five.
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Patricia says
Gee, I’ve never seen one, single garbage/trash man in “peak condition.” I’ve lived in a lot of places, too! The only ones who approach “peak condition” are the HS dropouts. The rest are rather beefy and quite paunchy. So the waste management guy has probably never SEEN any.
Judy says
Kate on a trash truck? Kate who has her acrylic nails done every week and pedicures to match? Kate who gets a spray tan every week? Kate with the fake hair extensions? Kate with the fake teeth? Kate with the fake boobs? FAKE Kate doing a REAL job–of course, it didn’t work. Bet she wasn’t on that dumpster more than an hour–just long enough for TLC to “manufacture” the appearance of Kate doing real work. Hope you didn’t break a nail Hon.
Liz says
Kate Gosselin is the biggest waste of space/TV time. She has absolutely no personality and seems like the biggest bitch. It’s a shame that TLC is actually giving her 2 more reality shows……… why would anyone want to watch her?! She doesn’t even care about her kids… just fame.
no wonder she hasn’t had sex in 6 years. ha
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