If you ask us, there's nothing quite as refreshing as basking in the Canadian sun whilst sipping red from the major artery of a freshly killed baby seal. It's so good fresh.
For the record though, we don't think it's picture-perfect when the thing starts thrashing about while our teeth are trying to find a soft spot. Certainly not! We prefer our little fuzzy drink boxes to be completely dead. Our lawyers prefer that too – it reduces the chance of a bad photo-op.
Kasabian though, they seem to think the tiny things are slightly more than a refreshing beverage. In fact – they don't think we should drink them at all.
Some might think its OK to kill if you're preventing immorality and staving off social decay. Those people are absolutely right, but we don't think so. That's because hecklerspray has long cherished life. We believe it is precious, and that it should only be snuffed out if you are thirsty, and you wish to drink the blood of that which you kill because water from the tap looks like it would probably taste gritty. Sometimes we feel alone in our wisdom and wise-ness. Well, not alone in the life is precious part, but in the killing's OK if you're thirsty part.
Maybe that's because people misunderstand us. We don't think everything should be 100% thirst-killable. The mighty tortoise could live 500 years with our blessing. Honestly – we wouldn't mind so long as we stay properly hydrated and never ever see it.
Baby seals though – they're just asking for it. Those little beady eyes always staring at our baseball bats and steel-toed boots. Thinking of ways to steal our stuff, no doubt. Pamela Anderson doesn't care though. Even though baby seals are clearly devious and plotting, she thinks their lives should be spared. So do Paul McCartney and Heather Mills. This isn't really known, but their marriage spoiled after a fluffy infant seal sent Heather flowers. Those things will steal anything – we're telling you.
Now the band Kasabian is taking a firm stance against killing the little kleptos. Their front man Tom Meighan says of things:
"It's just common sense. I don't think it's OK to smash a baby seal's skull. I'd never wear fur – it's such an ugly thing to do."
Tom probably only said that because he's never felt that addicting vibration that travels up the bat, through your arm and into your heart – causing it to warm and feel fuzzy. Don't knock it till you've tried it boys. Seriously – don't drink anything for a couple days and then visit Canada.
Watch out for seal-AIDS though. It exists and those little buggers are full of it.
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