“Seasons Greetings, everyone! It’s the Kardashian/Jenner family here, and it seems like just yesterday we were writing our last Khristmas letter. Speaking of, we’re well on our way to patenting the letter ‘K’, so if this might be the last time you can use that phrase for free!
Please excuse the state of our family portrait – you know what the holidays are like, it’s been such a mad rush to get everything ready that we ended up just throwing any old thing on and grabbing award-winning photographer David LaChappelle to take it for us. We asked Annie Leibovitz to do it but she just screamed something about having forty Vogue covers and slammed the phone down. Artists, huh?
Anyway, we’re all full of festive spirit around here – the fire’s crackling and the chestnuts are roasting in our creepy Kim-themed casino. It’s a good job we have all these old copies of ‘Us Weekly’ scattered around, so we’ll have plenty of fuel for smores later! None for Khloe though, I keep telling her that this family can only afford to have one fatty in it at a time. Just ask Rob, he was originally supposed to be stood in the same tube as Bruce but he got wedged in and we had to roll the tube to one side so he wouldn’t ruin the shot.
Speaking of Khloe, you might notice that Lamar is absent from the card. He’s currently taking a break in the south of Mexico, and is definitely not tied to a chair in our basement, being made to listen to Kim’s lone attempt at a music career on repeat until he’s ready to apologize. We all need a break every now and again!
Kendall and Kylie’s careers are going strength to strength. You might know that Kendall turned eighteen this year, and we can’t wait to take her shopping for her first NBA player. Of course, Kylie’s not far behind and we’re expecting her first nip-slip any day now – kids grow up so fast these days! Sorry about all the decorations, Kim insisted on having the big pyramid with the funny eye in the background, something to do with wanting people to think she’s in some special club like her friend Beyonce.
We feel blessed to have so many wonderful grandchildren in our lives. Mason and Penelope are at that cute stage where all they want to do is ask questions. All we hear is ‘I’m two, why do I have to wear hair extensions?’, ‘What does this have to do with Christmas?’, ‘Why did North get out of this?’ and ‘Why did you spend a quarter of a million dollars on making our family look like some Hollywood remake of ‘Wrong Turn’ set in post-apocalyptic Las Vegas?’
We hope all is well with your family, and we hope to see you all in the new year for Kim and Kanye’s wedding. The Taj Mahal are still putting up a fight vis-a-vis that 60-ft ice statue of Kanye as Ghandi, but hopefully that will all be sorted soon.
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year,
With love from,
Kris, Mr Kris, Pudgy, Whiny, Meal Ticket, The Only Male Still Standing, Barely Legal, Nearly Legal, and the Kids Who Are Far Too Young To Be Sick Of This Shit Already.