Kanye West Wants to Make You Fat While he Makes Money And Probably Laughs at You…

kanye west fatburger fast food restaurant chain chicago evel knievel new workout planKanye West seems to be continuing in his quest to win at everything forever.

Not content with taking the world of music by storm, the world of blogging by monsoon, the world of being cool by tsunami and the world of producing by… drizzle… Kanye West is now moving on to the world of making people fat by feeding them fried patties of ground up cow-knees.

Not personally, of course – that would be surreal.

No, Kanye is merely opening ten Fatburger fast food joints around Chicago, rather than actually serving all who walk through their doors with his priceless smile and boundless arrogance. And a burger.

West’s company, KW Foods LLC, have picked up the rights to build the stores around the Chitown area, thus infecting countless local residents with great big wodges of fat to force down their gullets. A sound business move, we’re sure.

But why, aside from wanting to kill lots of people by making them fat, would Kanye West want to open ten fast food ‘restaurants’ (using the term as loosely as possible)?

Maybe it’s to get away from his music career and down to a more homely, normal job than he’s been used to over the last few years? At least working in a burger joint he wouldn’t be all that bothered were he to turn up to work eight hours late.

In fact, he’d just get sacked for that.

Yes – that’s clearly it. He’s tired of being in the limelight, tired of all the attention, all the ego boosts and all the times he pretends to be JesusKanye West must certainly, definitely and absolutely be edging towards a career flipping burgers. Maybe.

After the success of Kanye’s The New Workout Plan it could be said that maybe he’s something of a hypocrite, opening stores that will sell fatty foods. But then, that song wasn’t a call to arms trying to make the world a thinner place, unfortunately, it was something of a piss take, meaning we’re stuck on that one.

Though it didn’t always work for him.

Nevertheless, Kanye’s quest to make people in Chicago (and some in Los Angeles) eat what is likely to be fried up floor scrapings will begin in September, when the first of his stores opens, adding to the 90+ Fatburger foodatoriums already spread around the US.

It is as of yet unconfirmed whether Kanye will be performing Evel Knievel-style stunts at the opening of the first store, though this time he’s far less likely to be sued for it. For not only did they end up being best buds forever, but Evel is also dead, meaning he probably doesn’t care too much about suing people any more.

We await Kanye West‘s Fatburger theme-o-rap with bated breath – one rhyme for the store’s name we can suggest: ‘twatmurder’. But hecklerspray has exclusive copyright on that now, so unluck-o.


  1. The Dread Pirate Sausage! says

    Um, people still eat at Fatburger?

    With all we’ve learned about the colon?!?