They say everyone likes a winner and nobody likes a whiner, but, somehow, despite batting 0-for-2 on the likability scale, Kanye West is still a dominant name in pop culture.
Wouldn’t it be awesome to know how to defy common courtesy and get away with being a total douchebag while not suffering any of the consequences? Luckily for you, I’ve come up with a simple 10 step guide to help you get Kanye-fied. I just ask that you let me finish before you break into character.
10. Be all biblical and stuff…
Or at least assert that if the bible were to be rewritten, you’d be in it.
Kanye astutely pointed out that there are somewhere between 20-50 characters in the bible, and since he is one of the most important people in pop culture, he’d clearly make the cut. That leaves somewhere between 19-49 openings for you. If you don’t have a God complex, consider getting one real quick—those spots can fill quickly.
9. Complain. A lot.
There are all kinds of injustices in the world, and if you can wade through the war, starvation, and no clean drinking water bullshit problems of the world, you might find that most of the biggest injustices are ones pertaining to you.
If you don’t win something, claim the competition is fixed. If your friend doesn’t win something, let the world know they should have won. If your video loses, point out how much more money it cost to make.
Pick anything, so long as it is egocentric, and go to town. No quibble is too small.
8. Insult legends.
I’m not sure if you’ve heard of no names like Jimi Hendrix and Paul McCartney, but if I were to refer to them as “those artists in black and white photos” would you have a better idea?
See, not only does it help you to get your point across of whom you are speaking about, but you are also discrediting them as legends, which makes you look that. Much. Better.
7. Have delusions of grandeur.
This ties into thinking you’re bible-worthy. Kanye thinks he is Jim Morrison. Kanye thinks he is Kurt Cobain. He calls himself a genius, a machine, a robot. I’m not his exact hierarchy of importance he places on any of the things he apparently is, but you need to adopt and embrace this thinking.
Touch people’s things with the conviction you can turn them into gold. Offer your ideas to people who don’t ask because your words have healing powers they didn’t even know they needed. Be better than great—Be Kanye.
6. Play the race card.
George Bush doesn’t care about black people. MTV had Britney Spears host the 2007 Video Music Awards because she’s white and Kanye’s skin is “not right.” It doesn’t matter what color you are, just play the card and watch as you make everyone around you uncomfortable.
5. When you speak, speak for everyone in the room. No, scratch that. Speak for everyone in this generation.
Whether you are denying a teenage girl her moment in the spotlight or appointing yourself as the voice of this generation, do it with all the douchbaggery that your soul can muster.
You can’t just be a voice of this generation, you have to be the voice of this generation; the loudest, most influential, beyond delusional voice of this generation. Drop the names of any of the other G.O.A.T. out there, say you are them, and bask in their reflected glory. MJ 2.0, baybay.
4. Find a fame whoring counter-part that can out fame whore you to make you look like less of a whore for fame.
And while you’re at it, tell her to dress like people who she should look up to, like, say, yourself. Or the future Queen of England.
3. If you’re bad at something, don’t work at it: Just say you got bored and quit.
Kanye’s shoe line was met with mixed reviews, so when he was tasked with living up the critics expectations at Paris’ fashion week, he pulled the chute, cancelling the show without reason.
What? He’s a busy man with so much success that he gets bored. Sure, he asked to be referred to as MLK Jr because he was so proud of them at one point, but it wasn’t that he can’t take the heat of not living up to standards. It’s beneath him, people.
Be sure to make people understand that any perceived failings are: A. A grievous error of taste and opinion, and B. Too insignificant to be worth your time, anyway.
2. Don’t credit people for the work they do.
Steal from the rich and give to the poor? You’re not trying to be Robin Hood, you’re trying to be Kanye, so flip the script and run it back.
Roscoe Dash would be lucky enough to have Kanye so much as read his work, let alone steal it and pass it off as his own. Kanye has every right to take what he wants and dibs it as proprietary information to bestow upon the masses as he sees fit. Technically, he is the voice of the generation.
In sum: Take what’s yours, which is everything.
1. Wear leather sweatpants and be serious about it.
If nothing else, you’ll stay warm.