Katie Holmes Exhibits Her Keen Career Sense

We’ve had quite enough of all of the relentless Katie Holmes bashing by the press. Just when she’s settled into another $50,000 shopping spree with Victoria Beckham at Barneys Department Store, the media starts thrashing her for not reprising the character Rachel Dawes in the Batman Returns sequel, Dark night.

Just because Batman Returns was a colossal success (even though she played the role with the excitement of a wet rag) doesn’t mean we should give her a hard time. You all know how sensitive we are to people's feelings here at hecklerspray.

A rep for Mrs. Tom Cruise stated that Katie passed on the Batman role because of scheduling conflicts. Now, you may be quick to jump to the conclusion - as we were - that brainwashing by your husband probably does take quite a bit of time, but she’s actually signed on for another movie with Queen Latifah called Mad Money. Of course! Why didn’t anyone think of pairing Kate and Queen together before?? It’s okay that Katie chose this $250, 000 role over the $2 million Batman offer because this Mad Money movie sounds like an absolute hoot! They play Federal Reserve workers that try to pocket old money before new currency comes out. Gold. Pure gold.   

Plus, think of all the life lessons Katie Holmes will learn from Queen Latifah. Take us for example… she taught us that big and buxom is beautiful. Seriously, our Saturday nights wouldn’t be complete if we didn’t have our raw cookie dough, Easy Cheese, and grape soda and watching Queenie’s film classics like Taxi, Beauty Shop, Animal House 2 and our favourite, Brown Sugar.

Despite the obvious reason for Katie Holmes taking the role, we can’t help but wonder if there are other factors at play. During commercial breaks while we watch The Simpsons and licking the Cheetos stain off our fingers, we came up with some possible theories as to why she would make such a crap-tastic decision:

1. Katie's developed lock jaw from smiling so insanely wide all the time for the paparazzi and is in physical therapy to correct it.  
2. It’s a full-time job trying to get Tom Cruise to take his Ritalin. She usually just gives up and lets him run around the yard naked until he passes out by the lawn jockey.
3. There’s a clause in the soul-selling contract pre-nup that states Katie Holmes can’t do any role in a movie that might bring her more attention than Tom is getting.

At any rate, this chick is on the fast-track to Oscar fame, so let’s cut her some slack. We’re all about the love, people.

Read more:

Holy strange career move, Batman: Katie flies out of the Bat Cave - Us Weekly