MTV isn't just an American institution, as it shows by regularly hosting global awards shows like last night's MTV Europe awards so that American stars can experience what winning awards in colder countries where people speak funny feels like.
Needless to say, last night's MTV Europe awards held in Copenhagen didn't deviate from this blueprint one jot. Most American acts who turned up were rewarded with some kind of prize, like Justin Timberlake who scooped the Best Male and Best Pop Act awards and The Red Hot Chili Peppers who won the Best Album That Most People Have Only Really Listened To Once If That award. In fact, at one point when a non-American won an MTV Europe award instead of an American, said American actually clambered up on stage and got his knickers in a twist about it in front of everyone.
It's flipping awards week here or something, isn't it? First a bunch of old men get given some Q Awards, then a bunch of old men get some Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame nominations, then Noel Edmonds wins a National Television Award, then Shakira wins all the Latin Grammy awards and now there's the MTV Europe awards to read about. And how many awards did hecklerspray win from all this lot? None, that's how many – although we are talking credit for Shakira winning best engineered Latin album. Just don't tell her, OK?
Anyway, last night the MTV Europe awards were held in Copenhagen and carried on the proud tradition of American acts winning just about every award going in foreign MTV awards shows – except for the MTV Asia awards, or course, where Gareth Gates has won every single award in every single ceremony for the last nine years running. A year ago Borat hosted the MTV Europe awards and Madonna headlined, unveiling her then-new trend for wearing leotards that want to make people pluck their own eyes out rather than look at her for a second longer. And this year Borat opened the MTV Europe awards again with a video containing – hey – a Madonna joke, this time about her adoption of an African baby, which we're not sure if you've heard about or not:
"My only concern is that this singing transvestite will not be such a good father… I sorry I cannot be there tonight, but I am not allowed in due to sex crime problem."
But the MTV Europe Awards last night really belonged to sexybacked, garment-making, Hicks-hating, tit-yanking, pube-haired hit and run survivor Justin Timberlake who not only presented the MTV Europe awards, but also happened to win more of the prizes than anyone else, winning the Best Male and Best Pop Act MTV Europe awards. Other MTV Europe Award-winners included Gnarls Barkley, who won the Best Song and Future Sounds awards; Christina Aguilera, who won Best Female and Red Hot Chili Peppers, who won Best Album.
But not all the MTV Europe awards went to Americans; Europe really showed the world how on the pissing ball it was when it crowned sodding Depeche Mode as Best Band, for instance. And the Best Video award was won by We Are Your Friends by Justice Vs Simian and pointedly not Touch The Sky by Kanye West, something which angered Jesus-impersonating Kanye enough to storm the stage and throw a girly strop because he didn't win. Later Kanye West explained his actions to Reuters:
"I worked for a month on that video and I wanted to walk home with that award. That was some complete bullshit, a spreading-the-wealth type thing."
And that's every interesting thing that happened at the MTV Europe Awards 2006. Now all Europe has to look forward to is its annual six months in total darkness and the hope that next year some MTV Europe awards are won by people who actually come from Europe. And aren't gothy pensioners.