Breaking news: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are dating. Oh, wait, we already knew that.

The pair have been together for over two years, and in that entire time ol’ Timbo would have been more likely to have admitted to regular nose picking than to dating his foxy partner.

For the first time since he over-shared about his juvenile love with a pre-headshave Britney Spears, Justin Timberlake has opened up to the media about a girlfriend.

On the one hand, we should probably be glad that Justin makes a point, these days, never to speak at length with the media. Have you ever heard him talk?

While his voice is neither quite as falsetto as his musical squealings, nor is it as shrill as David Beckham’s… it is bloody annoying. So consumed is Justin, usually, with not letting out one single usable detail of his personal life, that he can come across as an unfathomable and really quite unbearable turd at times.

For example, (though the video has long been pulled down) one particularly tragic clip shows Justin eating lunch at a restaurant with Jessica. Justin becomes so distracted by a solo looming pap that even the fabulous food and endlessly patient partner sitting across from him are not enough to cool his temper. He storms out and goes toe-to-toe with the snapper, who is likely a lot smaller than the six-foot plus Justin.

He is on or around as polite in front of the camera, and to print and online media.

On the other hand, we love gossip. And Justin is very, very famous.

Where would the world be if it weren’t for the likes of (less fabulous than this) gossip sites, electronically stalking spoiled celebutards?

The world would become darker and life would lose all meaning if, at the click of a button, we were unable to chronicle important things like the adventures of Justin’s hair; from its rogue beginnings as a classy White-boy ‘fro to its yeti-like incarnation of the moment.

More importantly, details of whom the unfortunately nicknamed ‘Trousersnake’ happens to be sleeping with at any given moment are so pressing and so crucial that all world news and tales of the woeful economy be damned.

Justin may or may not have had a gun to his head/ his arm twisted behind his back/ been high, when he shared the following long-overdue tidbits with Hello magazine.

Q: Has it been difficult to keep you relationship as private as you might like?
“We do pretty much everything we want to do. Sometimes we get spotted by the paparazzi but usually we can find a quiet place to eat and no one will bother us. It can be distracting but you learn to keep walking and pay no attention.”

Q: Why is this relationship so special?
“We get along so well. The first thing we noticed when we started going out is how easily we made each other laugh. Sometimes when you meet someone it feels right from the beginning. She has a very engaging personality and we have a natural way of being together. I’m a lucky guy.”

Justin then went on to reveal that he was sorry for being kind of a douche in interviews, that tweens everywhere were “very welcome” for being allowed to bask and drool in his beardy presence and then he finished with the promise to quit music and stick to molesting grinding with female singers in their music videos instead, as it was tonnes more fun.

Or, perhaps he did not.

But, if you wish hard enough then maybe, just maybe, one of those things will come true!

Who wrote this? Why, Amy Grindhouse did. And you’d do well to remember that.

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