Good news girls, the man of your dreams is back on the market! That’s right – Jessica Biel is single again!

Wait, that’s not right. We meant to say this: Good news boys, the girl of your dreams is back on the market! That’s right – Justin Timberlake is single again! No, wait, hang on. We’ve confused ourselves. Anyway, our point is this – Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel have totally split up.

Except they haven’t. A magazine claimed that Justin Timberlake had left Jessica Biel for Rihanna, but apparently it was all a lie. And yet you’re still reading this. God, you’re weird.

You may have read yesterday that Justin Timberlake had split up with Jessica Biel, his girlfriend of three years. And if that news made you sad, we can empathise completely. Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel were one of our all-time favourite celebrity couples, in that they were hardly ever seen in public together and all the films either of them have made over the course of the last three years disappeared without trace almost instantly, meaning that we hardly even had to think about them. That’s just how we like our celebrities.

And the news that Justin Timberlake had left Jessica Biel for Rihanna just made it worse. This is for two main reasons – One, nobody wants a girlfriend who’s constantly jumpy because she thinks that Chris Brown is going to leap out of a bush and punch her in the face. And two, look at the figures – first Justin Timberlake went out with 37-year-old Cameron Diaz, then he went out with 27-year-old Jessica Biel, and then we’re told he’s going out with 21-year-old Rihanna. If this pattern holds then Justin Timberlake’s next girlfriend is going to be about 12, and that’d just be icky.

But relax, because yesterday’s report was all bollocks. According to ‘an insider’, Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are as happy together as they’ve ever been. People reports:

“They’re together,” said an insider. “They’re not breaking up. Any time they spend time apart it’s because they’re working… Things have been a bit up in the air recently,” said the source. “They’ve been spending more time apart — more time with each of their friends, and they’ve been reevaluating [their relationship].”

See? Those reports didn’t mean that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel have split up at all – it means they’re about to split up. Completely different.

We’ve certainly got our fingers crossed that Justin Timberlake decides to stick it out with Jessica Biel, because only then will our dream of seeing both of them star in a movie together be realised. It’d be great – the Gone With The Wind of our generation.

OK, the straight-to-DVD Gone With The Wind of our generation.

OK, the straight-to-DVD Gone With The Wind probably co-starring Christian Slater of our generation.

OK, the straight-to-DVD Gone With The Wind probably co-starring Christian Slater and a cartoon giraffe sidekick of our generation. Really, they don’t make very good films, do they?

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