Horny toddler Justin Bieber continues to crumple all of Earth’s teenage girls into a single shrieking mass.

This week: Australia. Justin Bieber has been forced to cancel a concert in Sydney because so many teenage girls got so worked up about the prospect about looking into his weird little Chucky doll eyes and hearing him sing one of up to 35 different songs about text messaging that many of them ended up injured in a bizarre 2am crowd surge.

If you ask us, Justin Bieber acted in a hugely irresponsible manner by cancelling his concert. Yes, it meant that he quelled a potentially volatile situation, but now everyone knows that Justin Bieber won’t play in their town if teenage girls get injured there. If that’s not a deliberate request for people of the world to push their young down staircases, we don’t know what is. Shame on you, Bieber.

Remember swine flu? Remember the sheer dead-eyed panic you felt as you watched the news programmes gradually tack the spread of the disease around the world, leaving piles of people dead in its wake? Remember how useless you felt? Remember realising that there was nothing you could do to stop people – including yourself – becoming infected by this hideous mutant of a virus?

That’s Justin Bieber, that is.

No, really, it is. Following news about Justin Bieber is just like following a pandemic. You hear about victims falling in his native North America and you’re fine about it, but the panic sets in once you start hearing about the hysteria that Justin Bieber is causing in other countries. It’s only a matter of time before Justin Bieber reaches these shores. At that point we’ll have nothing to do but stock up on canned foods, hide in a doorway and remember to tag our dead before we push them out of our living room windows.

That’s all coming, but until then we can prepare by hearing about the terrifying mess that Justin Bieber left in his wake during his trip to Australia, including the concert in Sydney that was cancelled because Justin Bieber fans are all shrieking little dimwits. MTV reports:

Due to ‘mass scenes of hysteria’ the authorities ordered that the gig had to be cancelled. Fans that had camped over night to see their idol ‘forced a crowd surge’ at 2am resulting in 10 girls needing assistance after they fainted. Bieber later posted on Twitter: “With everything that happened 2day i want u all 2 know i care and U all rule and if i could thank every 1 of u individually i would.”

That’s all very sweet, but if you ask us, this Bieber-fanaticism has reached critical mass. Something needs to be done. Maybe Justin Bieber should employ several decoy-Biebers to help disperse large crowds of teenage girls like the one he encountered in Sydney. If that’s the case, you should definitely give us a call, Justin. We know this bloke who makes ventriloquist dummies. Some of them are properly creepy, too. They’d fool everybody.

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