Justin Bieber Unleashes Disgusting New Mustache on the World

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justin bieber with a gross mustacheJustin Bieber popped up during New York Fashion Week with a brand-new, decidedly un-couture accessory — an unbecoming wispy string of hair laying delicately across his upper lip like a house centipede, or, as 13-year-old boys everywhere wish they could call it, a mustache.

If this is his way of trying to prove he’s a man, I hate to break it to him, but there are plenty of women with more impressive facial hair (as those of us with Great Aunt Muriels can attest), and plenty of technically-male-non-men who also have more impressive facial hair (as those of us who live in Brooklyn can attest).

So the question is, why? Or maybe, what could we possibly have done to deserve this? Did he suddenly realize that none of the groupies he’s having sex with have gotten pregnant and decide he needed to do something about his potency levels? Splashing a little Rogaine on your face isn’t going to do anything about your chances of impregnating a tween, Justin.

Not everyone agrees with/sees how terrible this mustache is, apparently — he’s got the stars from ‘Whisker Wars’ backing him up.

“Mr. Bieber I say ‘Bravo!’ Now that he’s proven himself a man, we can address him as Mister,” Jack Passion said in an interview with Celebuzz. “His personal triumph has already been established: If he’ll grow a mustache, you know he’s grown some balls. He’s earned my approval.”

I don’t even know how to begin breaking down that ridiculousness, apart from wondering if I should have said Great Uncle Muriels instead. Since when are growing a mustache and testicles so closely related? Oh, wait, I get it — he’s saying Bieber must have finally grown some hair on his balls, shaved it off, and glued it to his face.

Makes much more sense. However, judging from his douchey appearance in Mansome and the fact that he’s on a show called ‘Whisker Wars’, Passion is clearly a huge tool, so I’m not sure how much weight his opinion actually holds.

There’s at least one bit of good news in all this — once the Biebs shaves off this facial monstrosity he’ll probably be able to sell it for like $10,000.

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