Justin Bieber Survives Sexual Assault, Wins Big at the AMAs

Justin Bieber wins at the AMAsAn appearance by MC Hammer should be a required element of all awards shows. At?last night’s American Music Awards, Justin Bieber was the big winner, and?… other than a few short moments of awesomeness provided by the completely insane Nicky Minaj and the unexpected Hammertime at the very end …?it was an incredibly boring and predictable show.

The hands-down best moment of the show happened during one-hit wonder Psy?s performance of his awful dance hit, Gangnam Style. It was the final performance of the night and about two minutes into the song, just as the audience was preparing to commit mass suicide, suddenly the heavens opened and there was MC Hammer. Psy and Hammer went on to perform a mash-up of Gangnam and Hammer’s Too Legit To Quit. Two horrible songs and such a ludicrous combo that it was complete genius.

Even better than the actual duet (if you can call it that) was?when the camera went into the audience, catching the pathetically awkward attempts of attention-whore Jenny McCarthy and over-exposed beauty Heidi Klum to dance along. (Also featured was Modern Family?s Eric Stonestreet but he?looked endearingly happy and chubbily confused.)

As previously mentioned, Justin Bieber, who brought his mommy as his date, was the big winner of the night, leaving with awards for both favorite pop/rock male artist and favorite pop/rock album. (He also apparently left with Selena.)

In Justin’s acceptance speech for the first award, he made a weird and somewhat rude dedication to the people who didn?t think his fame would last.

“This is for all the haters who thought I was just here for one or two years. I feel like I’m going to be here for a very long time.?

He’s already been “here” much longer than I would personally like, but whatever. I don’t care for his music, but he’s a cute little guy and I don’t mind him. I do believe, however, that if Justin wants to be taken seriously, he really ought to knock it off with the backwards baseball caps.

Justin’s second award was presented by Jenny McCarthy?who in her words “cougar raped” him when he approached her to accept it, kissing him on the neck and grabbing his non-existent bum. Justin laughed it off, saying “Wow. I feel violated right now.? Considering that Jenny, at 40 years old,?is actually older than Justin’s mom, who is 38, his feeling was justified. And what the hell is Jenny McCarthy doing at the AMAs anyway?

Backstage Jenny attempted to defend her actions, but succeeded only in seeming creepier:

“I couldn’t help it. He was just so delicious. So little. I wanted to tear his head off and eat it.”

Justin Bieber and Jenny McCarthy at the AMAs

Justin performed a boring acoustic performance of “As Long As You Love Me” and then more dancey version of ?Beauty and a Beat,? during which Nicky Minaj burst in towards the end, looking like a hefty, draggy?Diana Ross, and proceeded to grind her gigantic ass into sweet little Justin. The poor kid, subject to repeated sexual assaults in the span of just a few?hours,?looked confused and kind of sad.

Nicky Minaj and Justin Bieber at the AMAs

In addition to her cameo in Justin?s song, Nicky performed Freedom (in yet another wig), and, for the second year,?won both Favorite Rap/Hip-Hop Artist and Favorite Rap/Hip-Hop Album. I love Nicky for fighting with that bitch Mariah on American Idol and I expect her to?fill in for Lady Gaga when necessary and wear absurd costumes … and darling Nicky did not disappoint. Over the course of the evening, she sported three different wigs and four outfits, each louder than the one previous.

Otherwise, Taylor Swift performed and was typically adorable and typically boring, singing one of her endless list of songs that all sound the fucking same. Beyonc? won, Rihanna won, Carrie Underwood won … blah blah blah … none of the winners were the least bit surprising.

There was one opportunity for an amazing and memorable moment, but no one took it. A bald Chris Brown performed ?Everyday Birthday? with Swizz Beats and Ludacris, and at one point Chris strut-danced through the audience … I was dying for someone, anyone,?to step out and punch him in his fucking face. Or at least trip him. That would have truly made the show memorable, but it didn’t happen.

A great moment did occur during Christina Aguilera’s performance, which lasted about four hours. Though Christina looked more like a drag queen than ever with her heavy bangs and her great giant body, her voice sounded amazing. The overall?performance was pretty dull until the last segment when one of the male dancers yanked off his pants to reveal tighty-pinkies with a big star censoring his business. Then, and so much better, a huge woman in a crazy-printed skintight jumpsuit writhed around, did the splits, and then disappeared. It was magic.

Nicky Minaj and Christina Aguilera