OK, we admit it; there is a teeny weeny part of us that likes Justin Bieber. But only a little bit.

If you wanted to measure how much we’d squeal upon seeing Justin Bieber, it wouldn’t be much. We wouldn’t yelp as much as a pig that’s just been artificially inseminated for the first time. It’d only be a small sigh at best.

So what’s the coolest thing about Bieber? The fact that his surname sounds like ‘beaver’ or because a website has been set up to compare him to manly looking lesbians? No what, we really like about Justin Bieber is the bowling ball in the Baby video. Christ on a stick, it’s a giant smiley face! If there’s anything better than that, we don’t know what is. What definitely isn’t cool is Bieber’s infections plan to ruin all of humanity’s future generations by getting them to sing his songs. Proof after the jump.

Back in the seventies, one of the most horrifying phenomenons was the film The Exorcist. With babies spinning their heads around and vomiting pea soup, many people were completely freaked out. Although technology has moved on and the same effect can be created by an Apple fanboy with the latest application on their iPhone, we strongly feel that Justin Bieber is the latest creation of the devil to terrorise and plague modern society.

We believe that encoded in Bieber’s lyrics is a secret virus that will be implanted in people’s brains. Given a certain time and date, expect a well trained army of twelve-year-olds to tie us all up in cotton wool handcuffs and force us to recite Bieber trivia until we’re converted to the dark side.

Honestly, this is the greatest threat that has ever faced the planet. Forget polar bears and the rainforests, because we have an even worse issue to combat. Justin Bieber is taking over the minds of our infants. This video is concrete proof of that.

We need this potential threat to be stopped immediately and we urge you to combat this teen pop garbage by rustling through your CD collection and blasting something loud and full of genuine quality. Anything will do, and with enough people joining in, hopefully Justin Bieber will shrivel to the size of a peanut. Following this planned success, we can keep him in a pint glass and display him as a pet rodent.

With us? Don’t make us set up a Facebook group.

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