The World of teeth snappingly annoying pop has been dealt a major blow today as rumours of the World’s most talented lesbian, Justin Bieber, has fathered a child with a fan. And not just any fan, but an older fan, turning her into an immediate MBLF (Mother Bieb’d Love Fuffing).
Obviously these are just rumours and we don’t want to see any forensic evidence appertaining to this case for fear of losing our Frosties and coffee this early in the morning. And getting sued rather quickly.
Mariah Yeater is the woman who popped the Bieb’s cherry and instantly became the figure of teen hate in six minutes of fumbled thrusting and reciting of his favourite songs to reach climax. If Selena Gomez was worried about getting hate mail because she was kissing Little Bieber, then she can take herself off for a celebratory colonic that someone else is taking her place.
At the time, Yeater was 19 and Bieber 16, so if he is the father, she could be prosecuted for statutory rape. But at least Rapist is one step up from being a Belieber. So it’s not all bad.
Yeater’s account of their night of fleeting passion is easily one of the most disgusting aspects of this case. More disgusting than the thought of Justin Bieber hunched over some poor woman.
Yeater says of the whole ‘brief’ encounter:
“Immediately, it was obvious that we were mutually attracted to one another, and we began to kiss. Shortly thereafter, Justin Bieber suggested that I go with him to a private place where we could be alone.”
“I agreed to go with him and on the walk to a private area, he told me he wanted to make love to me and this was going to be his first time.”
“We went inside and immediately his personality changed drastically. He began touching me and repeatedly said he wanted to f*** the s*** out of me. At the time I asked him to put a condom for protection, but he insisted that he did not want to.”
“In his own words, he said that because it was his first time he wanted to ‘feel everything.’“
Between bile wretches and glasses of cold water to settle our stomachs, we couldn’t believe that she actually fell for the ‘I want to feel everything’ line. That’s one of the dangers you learn about in AIDS 101. And I bet she kept her ‘BIEBERGEDDON’ t-shirt on through the whole ordeal.
It all seems a little fan fiction to us. Something that you might find on the more seedier side of the Internet, or something which might be prosecutable on Pete Townsend’s hard drive. Does anyone say ‘f*** the s*** out of me’ anymore? It seems a little porn-y.
That said, Das Biebs is friends with Chris Brown, so Yeater should count her lucky stars she wasn’t punched and bitten so viciously that she had to go to hospital.
Either way, she’s going to come out of this looking like the villain. And if she’s telling the truth, let us see if Justin’s unsavoury views on abortion sway a little.