Justin Bieber Definitely Not The Father Of That Kid Says Entirely Trustworthy Source From His Prison Cell – Beyond Satire

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It seems years ago Mariah Yeater made the unbelieble (!) claim that Justin Bieber had spaffed a viable sperm into her vulva resulting in a tiny little yodelling girl/boy-child growing in her womb when, to look at him, you couldn’t imagine he’d progressed as far as having sex with Lady Palm and her five inexperienced clammy sisters.

There’s been paternity tests and no-one’s known what to think until convicted criminal, current resident of the Big House, Mariah Yeater’s ex and beacon of truth Robert Powell (not that one) has revealed that actually HE is the father.

Yes really.

Powell has recently made the following statements from his federal penitentiary residence, and readers must be warned he un-ironically uses the phrase “on the real” at one point:

“We were both homeless and…. Mariah was trying to make some quick money,”

…reports totally reliable Powell, currently languishing on multiple burglary charges.

“She just picked him because she thought he was famous and all and thought she could get a lot of money by telling the magazine Justin was the father. She saw him as an opportunity to make a lot of money.”

…revealed Powell, also in for drug charges. Did we mention the drug charges? No?

“And man, on the real, I feel sorry for Justin Bieber. He’s just a little kid man. He don’t need to be going through all this drama. He got a career and sh*t to focus on. I feel sorry for the dude.”

At this point, it’s not clear how long Powell has been inside, or indeed when he found the time to chuff one up Mariah Yeater what with all his burglary, drug-taking and generally being-in-prison, but we’re more interested in his classic ‘feeling sorry’ for Bieber stance.

The whole ‘two men done wrong by the same woman’ and becoming mates schtick seems unlikely what with Powell’s current residence. A pretty boy-child like Bieber would have to ‘go bitch’ within seconds just to stand a chance in there.

Mariah Yeater’s lawyers have responded to Powell’s statements robustly by claiming – in the most devastating use of legal language we have ever seen – that they are “all wrong”.

Justin Bieber was unavailable for comment.

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