If the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce was a movie villain, it'd be one of those invincible ones that doesn't die even when you've smacked its face in with the back of a shovel 50 times.
After a week at the High Court failing to thrash out a deal in private, the judge presiding over the Paul McCartney/ Heather Mills divorce has decided to take things into his own hands and will decide how much cash Heather Mills gets himself.
And then, in a month, that'll be it – Paul McCartney will be divorced from Heather Mills. Unless Heather Mills decides she doesn't like the decision and drags it out through the Court Of Appeals and the House Of Lords for months and months, of course. Which, let's face it, she probably will.
By now Paul McCartney was supposed to be divorced from Heather Mills and quickly moving on to whichever middle-aged sexpot he's rumoured to be boffing at the moment, while Heather Mills was supposed to have taken the tens of millions of pounds that she got in the divorce settlement, realised that nobody particularly cares for her and disappeared out of view forever.
Hasn't happened, though.
Last Monday Paul McCartney and Heather Mills went to the High Court to finalise their divorce. A week later and things have progressed so badly that the judge has decided to take things into his own hands. Reuters reports:
Pop icon Paul McCartney and ex-model Heather Mills failed to agree on a divorce settlement on Monday after six days in court, leaving the judge to decide how much of the former Beatle's fortune Mills should receive. Judge Hugh Bennett will make his decision at a later date, probably in about a month, in a judgement that could set an important legal precedent for future short-lived marriages of the super-rich.
The last week of negotiations have been carried out in private, so nobody really has any idea what happened. We know that Heather Mills represented herself, and that she probably bought up that old wine glass-stabbing story again for everyone to hear, but aside from that nobody has the foggiest. Paul McCartney and Heather Mills might have had a fight in the court room with McCartney using platinum discs to protect himself from Heather Mills' jelly penis attacks for all we know, but it hasn't got them any nearer to an agreement.
Whenever the judge does come to his decision, it'll be closely watched. Because if both Paul McCartney and Heather Mills agree on it, it'll remain private. But if either party disagrees with the ruling – which is likely given the rumoured £25 million discrepancy between what Heather wants and what Paul is prepared to pay – then the whole thing becomes messily public as it gets hauled through an appeals court and possibly the House Of Lords after that.
So now we all just have to sit and wait. It's thought that if Heather Mills does accept a divorce settlement from Paul McCartney in the meantime, one condition will be that she has to keep quiet about the ins and outs of the deal. But we think we can do one better than that – if we all chip in a fiver each, perhaps we can get Heather Mills to shut up completely forever. Or £10 each and she'll actually sew her mouth closed with shoelaces.
Think about it, it'd be worth it not to hear her squeaking the word 'paedophile' over and over again like a morally-outrage guinea pig. Whaddaya say?
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Marie says
Where can I sent my tener????
Geminate says
Oh no! America doesn’t want her here!!! NO NO NO!!! We love Paul, but we DO NOT love the money grubbing Heather leach. I don’t even think she will be welcome in Siberia. She has no idea how popular and known Paul is; the whole world is for Paul and loves Paul as well as his music. The world wishes Heather would simply drop dead and disappear, please.
King Jimbo says
Mills is a cunt.
JohnofScribbleSheet says
Lets guess…..shes gonna get a LOT!
Eros says
Paul’s kids were against the marriage to Heather in the first place. I guess they saw what was coming.