Jordan Releases New Book; Changes Literature Forever

Premier figures from the world of literature were united yesterday in their praise for model-turned-writer Katie Price (a.k.a Jordan) and her spellbinding second novel.

Crystal - believed to be the most valuable insight into the human condition in the history of artistic endeavour - tells the devastatingly poignant tale of a young glamour model and her dreams of launching a 'glitzy career.'

According to the press release, though:

 …Crystal has a secret. She's fallen for the wrong man and this one mistake could cost her everything - her friendships, her fame and her chance of ever finding love again. 

The book was unveiled during a ceremony at Harrods, during which Jordan delighted the crowd with her witty ruminations on the nature of creativity, the similarity of her narrative drive to iconoclastic social commentator Don Delillo, and - on a more serious note - her political outlook with regard to the state of play in the Middle East.

"I'm frankly astonished," said Norman Mailer, one of the many special guests at the gathering. "I thought my seminal war novel The Naked And The Dead was pretty good. But when I began to read the exquisite prose concerning Crystal and her sexy story of passion and betrayal, I cursed the gods for making me such a talentless wretch in comparison."

"I might as well just give up now," sighed Pulitzer Prize winner Michael Chabon. "What's the point? Sure, I could write another moving and definitive American modern epic, but it just wouldn't come close to the sizzling between-the-sheets action that leaps off Crystal's every page."

At one point during the ceremony, the ghost of Nobel-winning luminary Saul Bellow appeared, telling the startled crowd that he agreed wholeheartedly with his fellow authors: "Do me a favour, would you? Go and burn every copy of Humboldt's Gidt, my lucid and heartfelt exploration of the perilously thin line between mental instability and genius. Let's face it: compared to the lusty passion between Crystal and her red-hot hunk of a boyfriend, nothing I did is of any value anymore."

In entirely unrelated news, a young writer at popular entertainment site hecklerspray suffered a brief attack of prolonged sarcasm. This made him write an entire article as an over-the-top mock-serious diatribe. The attack faded away by the last sentence, however, in which he fully recovered and stated - quite honestly - exactly what he thought of the subject in question.

Dear god, I hope that cunt Jordan drops dead in the fucking street.

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Jordan Launches Second Novel - Yahoo!